Rediscovered! Rare, Star-Studded 1992 CBS-TV Holiday Spot

Scriptwriter Walt Jaschek finds rare, 1992 CBS-TV holiday spot with performances by dozens of TV stars of the day. It’s enchanting.

Here’s a holiday TV blast from the past, never before seen on the internet, at least as far as we know.

In 1992, CBS-TV offered our agency Paul & Walt Worldwide the opportunity to write and submit scripts for its annual, big-deal, on-air holiday promo spot. The network had aired one annually since the dawn of the medium. Intended as a sincere gesture to express a sentiment on behalf of the brand, they’re seen and appreciated by tens of millions of TV viewers each year.

(Before it became a Paul & Walt client, the network had a long and happy relationship with Paul Fey, my partner; I wouldn’t have had a chance to work on any of these national campaigns if not for him.)

In submitting our stack of scripts, we included my holiday poem, “The Wish,” written specifically for the stars of the network’s hit shows of the day, and intended to be performed by them. Holiday miracle: our pals in the promo department bought it! And brought it to amazing life with their in-house production crew.

From Angela Lansbury (“Murder, She Wrote”) to William Shatner (“Rescue 911”) to Burt Reynolds (“Evening Shade,”) these iconic actors brought their holiday A-game to the performances. Thought lost to time, the 30-second spot showed up on a VHS tape in the bottom of a box at the bottom of another box. Yeah. I had it digitized.

Take a breath. Here are a dizzying array of 1990s TV icons. And their holiday wishes.

Script
CBS-TV
The Wish”
:30 TV

JAY THOMAS: We wish you the gift…

SUSAN DEY: That love can bring.

JOHN RITTER: The gift that keeps on giving.

BURT REYNOLDS: I wish for just one win this year!

ESTELLE GETTY: I wish to just keep living!

ANGELA LANSBURY: I wish you love and lasting joy.

DIXIE CARTER: We wish you a scrumptious diet!

WILLIAM SHATNER: I wish you hope and peace on Earth.

BOB NEWHART: Or at least some peace and quiet.

JANINE TURNER: We wish you warm and cozy nights.

MICHELLE LEE: And the greatest wish of all…

GERALD McRANEY: ..is a wish you make with your family.

CHARLES KIMBROUGH: No matter how big…

CANDICE BERGEN: …or how small. Happy holidays! ‘

© 1992 Walt Jaschek and CBS-TV

Shows represented: Love & War, Hearts Afire, Evening Shade, The Golden Palace, Murder, She Wrote; Designing Women; Rescue 911; Bob; Knot’s Landing; Major Dad; Murphy Brown.

We hope you have enjoyed this blast from the past.

And have a happy holiday future!

“Cellular Guy” Radio Ad Scripts for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems

This radio commercial for early generation Southwestern Bell mobile phones established a lively, ear-catching format we used often: a droll voice offering product benefits interlaced with stand-up-comedy-style gags. Great examples of this technique are here in our “Cellular Guy” campaign for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems, which ran for months in multiple markets in the early 1990s. The spots won Clio Awards, Addy Awards and an International Broadcast Award for Best Radio Copywriting.

Here are three scripts in the campaign, all written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey at production company Paul & Walt Worldwide for agency Simmons, Durham & Associates.

Cellular Guy Spot #1
“Crystal Clear”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. When I talk on a Southwestern Bell Cellular Phone, my voice is crystal clear. That’s amazing, considering it’s not really that clear in person.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: I put a Southwestern Bell phone antenna on my head and walked into a crowded restaurant. Forty-two attorneys tried to “dial out” on me.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell cell service is so clear, when I’m talking to my girlfriend, it’s as if she’s right next to me. I can actually hear her withdrawing.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell has cell service that’s trouble-free. But then, trouble is always free.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Someday, Southwestern Bell will be able to break us down molecularly and send our bodies through cellular phones. This might be a long way off, but just in case, I’m getting a haircut.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #2
“Voice Mail”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. So I signed up for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems voice mail. I used to leery about sending voice mail. I wasn’t sure I was putting enough stamps on it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Voice mail is easy. Think of it as rolling up a little yellow sticky note, jamming it into your cellular phone, and having it pop out somewhere else. Think of it like that. Don’t actually do it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: You can send the same messages to multiple places simultaneously. This is especially handy when trying to set up lunch with the Supreme Court.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And with message notification, your car will call you at your office to tell you there’s a message. It could also call just to say “hello.”

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: I mean, just the other day, I was saying, you know, my car never calls me anymore.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #3
“Custom Calling”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. I’ve got all the Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems custom calling features on my cellular phone. Three-way calling, call waiting, call forwarding. Now I need call avoiding.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call waiting is great. And it’s better than the original name, “call interruptus.” I’m glad they changed it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call forwarding is also cool. You can forward your home calls to your car, your car calls to your office, and your office calls to somebody who actually cares.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And I love three-way calling. I can talk to my wife and my best friend, and it’s like they’re in the same room. Problem is, they are in the same room.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Here’s another great three-way use. I dial my new boss, then I add my old boss on the same line. Then I hang up and let them psychologically torment each other.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Scripts and spots © 1991 – 2021 Paul & Walt Worldwide

From the International Broadcast Awards program book, 1991:

Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Custom Calling”
Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Voice Mail”

More fun like this on my YouTube channel.

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Radio Ad Script “Robert Goulet” | For The Simpsons

The late Robert Goulet, acclaimed American singer and actor, provides his golden voice to this funny radio commercial for “The Simpsons” TV series. The spot, titled after the singer himself, was was written by Walt Jaschek, produced and directed by Paul Fey of Paul & Walt Wordwide, for Fox Television and when the show was first launched into national syndication. It is part of a campaign promoting what is now considered the most successful launch of a TV show in syndication history. Script is below. By the way, this spot makes a guest appearance in Larry Oakner’s book about funny radio, And Now a Few Laughs From Our Sponsor. It’s recommended.

Ready to hear the spot? Great. And now: Robert Goulet…


RADIO AD SCRIPT

ANNOUNCER: And now, mister Robert Goulet reads from “The Writings of Bart,” the collected, after-school blackboard writings of young Bart Simpson. Mister Goulet.

MUSIC: Classical, dignified, under

ROBERT GOULET: I will not trade pants with others.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not Xerox my butt.

A burp is not an answer.

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not bring sheep to class.

I will not instigate revolution.

My name is not Doctor Death.

ANNOUNCER: To experience all of Bart’s after-school blackboard writings, watch every classic episode of The Simpsons.

ROBERT GOULET: I will not call the principal, “Spud Head.”

ANNOUNCER: The Simpsons. Now five times a week.

MUSIC: Up and out

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us and we’ll craft one equally funny and memorable.

Listen to our entire playlist of funny radio commercials on YouTube.

Subscribe to Walt’s YouTube channel.

Radio Ad Script | “Missing Persons” for Matlock

This funny radio ad for the TV series “Matlock” was written by Walt Jaschek, and produced by Paul Fey. The spot garnered advertising’s Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars Tom Poston, Harvey Atkin and Orson Bean.

Click and enjoy!

“Missing Persons”
:60 Radio
Script by Walt Jaschek

SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up. “Dragnet”-style staccato dialogue ensues.

TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY CALLER (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?

COP: Missing Persons.

CALLER: My wife is missing!

COP: Your wife is missing?

CALLER: My wife is missing.

COP: When did you last see her, sir?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Four o’clock?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?

CALLER: The bedroom.

COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?

CALLER: No.

COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”

CALLER: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?

COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.

CALLER: Okay.

[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Caller puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The caller closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]

CALLER: Hello?

COP: I’m here.

CALLER: She’s watching “Matlock!”

COP: I thought so.

CALLER: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.

CALLER: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.

CALLER: She really likes Andy Griffith!

COP: Of course she does.

CALLER: She was so busy watching “Matlock,” she forgot to tell me where she was!

COP: Tell her I understand.

CALLER: Okay.

SFX: The caller puts down phone, walks down hallway again.


COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?

SFX: Caller opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.

CALLER: Hey! My favorite episode!

ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!

COP: I’m hanging up now sir. Sir?

FADE OUT

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us.

See also:

14 Funny Radio Ads to Inspire More of the Same

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Walt’s YouTube Channel of Funny Radio

Please comment!

It is to laugh: Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey inducted into St. Louis Media Hall of Fame

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It’s not a dream. It’s not a hoax. It’s not an imaginary tale.

Walt Jaschek and his long-time friend and creative collaborator Paul Fey, writers and producers of funny radio commercials, were inducted into the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame at a gala ceremony in downtown St. Louis on March 17, 2018.

The St. Louis Media History Foundation inducted 20 other individuals into the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame that night, as well. More than 200 people attended the gala. (See the full list of the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame 2017 Inductees on LinkedIn.)

Said the Foundation: “Individually and together, Paul and Walt have reputations for creating high-impact, industry-admired advertising campaigns. They teamed up in 1991 to create Paul & Walt Worldwide, the radio commercial boutique agency and production company. With offices in Hollywood and St. Louis, their work quickly won CLIOS, ADDYs and many other awards for national brands.”

Paul is now President and Chief Creative Officer of World Wide Wadio in Hollywood.  Walt is now writer of comics and comedy here at Walt Now. Both men continue to collaborate frequently.

See Paul Fey’s profile in the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame.

See Walt Jaschek’s profile in the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame.

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Bonus scenes from the night of the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame ceremony:  Walt and what he calls his “Hall of Fam:” From left, son Adam; Walt’s wife Randy; and Adam’s fiancé Bernie. Below, Walt’s Hall of Fame plaque.

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Hear funny radio commercials by Paul & Walt | Walt Jaschek home

From Radio World: The Men Behind Radio’s Zany Commercials

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This article on our audio-drenched days as funny radio commercial creators Paul & Walt Worldwide was written by Dee McVicker, and appeared in Radio World®, Vol. 17, No. 23, December 8, 1993.

watermarked-paulfey-waltjaschek-logopose-1991

Paul & Walt: Behind Radio’s Zany Commercials

by Dee McVicker

LOS ANGELES  

It has been said that a radio station is only as good as its commercials. That axiom has served Paul Fey and Walt Jaschek well.

Widely acclaimed for their sharp sense of humor, the team is nationally recognized as the creative genius behind a number of radio spots promoting the seasonal lineup of shows for TV networks.

Their client list includes King World, Warner Brothers Television, 20th Century Television and CBS Television Network.

“If a commercial is boring and doesn’t hold their attention, we can’t blame them if they reach up and hit the button on the car radio,” said Paul Fey, founding partner of Paul & Walt Worldwide. “We want to stop them in their tracks.”

Fey and Jaschek have been on the laugh track since high school, winning some 400 awards for excellence in commercial production, including three Clios and two regional Emmys. The team walked award with the five Ollies in one evening, setting a record for the most awards won by one company in the Hollywood Radio & Television Society’s annual presentation.

One Ollie was presented for a Paul & Walt commercial, “Auditions,” in which Patrick Stewart is among the voices trying out for the part of Jean Luc Picard in “Star Trek.”

Of all the awards (which stream in at a rate of 50 a year), Fey is most partial to the team’s first Clio. Fey aspired to win a Clio since his high school years, and recalls vividly the magic feeling of creating the spot.

It was a radio ad featuring a “catalog” of types of laughter. “The whole spot was kind of invented on Walt’s front porch. It just sort of came out… It wrote itself,” he said.

What keeps this team on the leading edge? “We never want to get satisfied with doing the same thing,” Fey said, pointing out that too many comedy teams rely on formulaic humor.

“Once upon a time, and it wasn’t that long ago, funny dialogue radio spots were what broke through the clutter. Now, I feel that funny dialogue spots are becoming the clutter, because there is so much of it out there,” Fey said.

Radio in particular lends itself to production-oriented spots, where a hybrid of audio effects, humor and dialogue work together. “It’s much easier to do a gigantic-scale production on radio because a lot of it is letting people’s minds fill it in,” he said.

A recent Paul & Walt commercial for a cellular telephone carrier, for example, camped up the Beach Boys’ “I Get Around” with a polka beat accompanied by amusing dialogue, delivered in a deadpan voice:

“I get around, so I signed up for voice mail. I used to leery about sending voice mail. I wasn’t sure if I was putting enough stamps on it.”

As the music cut in and out abruptly, the deadpan voice again speaks up:

“Voice mail is easy. Think of it as rolling up a yellow sticky-note, jamming it into your cellular phone, and having it pop out somewhere else.”

Life begins for a Paul & Walt spot with an idea, either dreamed up by Fey, the production genius of the team, or Jaschek, the primary writer. Fey works from the Paul & Walt Worldwide office in Los Angeles, while Jaschek works from his office in St. Louis, the city where they both grew up.

They communicate through faxes and computer modems to tighten ideas, copy and production of radio ads.

The spot takes life in the imagination long before it is committed to tape. “It’s no exaggeration for me to say that I know exactly what a spot sounds like before it’s recorded,” Fey said. “The key is trying to put on tape what’s in my head.”

Paul & Walt fleshes out the characters, relying on a pool of creative talent from an audio studio in the same building as its Los Angeles office.

“People get accustomed to thinking of radio in a certain way,” said Fey, who claims the company owes its success to breaking those conventions. The plan for the future is to continue carving out new niches in radio commercials.

Paul & Walt Worldwide is now working on a project that Fey hopes will set a new milestone in how people perceive radio. He was mum about who the client is and the product, saying only that he is not bound to the conventions of 30 or 60 seconds for the spots.

“We’ve barely scratched the surface of what we can do with radio,” he said.

Update, 2019: Paul currently runs World Wide Wadio in Hollywood. Walt runs Walt Now Entertainment in St. Louis. They both continue to collaborate on… radio.