“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” is a 60-second, funny radio commercial, written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey for Smartship.com. It stars Stewart Sloke as a caller to the hotline; turns out he’s very, very good at beating himself up. This spot also provides a good copywriting example; the script is below the video. Listen and enjoy.
Can you beat yourself up as well as THIS guy?
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” | :60 Radio | Script by Walt Jaschek
HOTLINE
WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.
CALLER: Is
this Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?
HOTLINE
WORKER: Yes sir, if you’d like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.
CALLER: Okay,
I’d like to beat myself up now, please.
HOTLINE
WORKER: Go right ahead when you’re ready.
CALLER:
[Ahem.] I am so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid I am. What an idiot. I left
all my holiday shipping until the last minute again. Now it’s a huge hassle.
Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?
HOTLINE WORKER
(genuinely impressed): You beat yourself up very well sir.
CALLER:
Thanks.
HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just go to smartship.com.
CALLER:
Smartship.com?
HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zip code, and smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable ways to do your holiday shipping, even at the last minute.
CALLER: Wow.
Smartship.com
HOTLINE
WORKER:Mmm-hmm.
CALLER: Why
didn’t I like of that?
HOTLINE WORKER: Well…
CALLER: Why do
I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?
HOTLINE WORKER: Sir…
CALLER: When,
oh when, will I ever have an original idea?
HOTLINE WORKER: You are really good at this, sir.
CALLER: I’ve
been told it’s a gift.
ANNOUNCER:
Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.
“Viva La Volvo” is a 60-second radio commercial written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey for the Southern California Dealers Association, and amusingly depicts a woman’s love and obsession with her Volvo. The spot won many ad industry awards and serves as a good example of funny radio copywriting. The production technique, energetic music cutting in and out of one-liners, has served Paul and Walt well over the years. Take a listen.
“Viva La Volvo” Script by Walt Jaschek
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynocologist.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT) pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER
ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”
“Missing Persons” is a funny radio commercial created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the syndicated run of the TV series “Matlock” starring Andy Griffith. This spot, written by Walt Jaschek, produced and directed by Paul Fey, garnered many ad industry awards, including the Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars voice talent Tom Poston and Harvey Atkin.
Click and enjoy!
It’s also a good copywriting example. Here’s the script.
“Missing Persons” :60 Radio Script by Walt Jaschek
SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up
TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?
COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: Your wife is missing?
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: When did you last see her, sir?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Four o’clock?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?
GOOFY GUY: The bedroom.
COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?
GOOFY GUY: No.
COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”
GOOFY GUY: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?
STERN COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Goofy guys puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The goofy guy closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]
GOOFY GUY: Hello?
COP: I’m here.
GOOFY GUY: She’s watching “Matlock!”
COP: I thought so.
GOOFY GUY: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.
COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.
GOOFY GUY: She really likes Andy Griffith!
COP: Of course she does.
GOOFY GUY: She was so busy watching “Matlock” that she forgot to tell me where she was!
COP: Tell her I understand.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
SFX: The goofy guy puts down phone, walks down hallway again.
COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?
SFX: Goofy guy opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.
GOOFY GUY: Hey! My favorite episode!
ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!
Funny Radio Commercial for King World and “The People’s Court | Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer and Director: Paul Fey | Music by Mathews Griffith
The late Judge Wapner ruled on “The People’s Court.” This funny radio commercial for the King World syndicated TV show, produced by agency Paul & Walt Worldwide, honored the Judge’s commanding presence in the form of a mock, country-western-style “ballad.” It’s also a good copywriting example; here’s the script.
“The Ballad of Judge Wapner” Lyrics by Walt Jaschek
MUSIC: COWBOY BALLAD-STYLE, UNDER
COWBOY: He sits in judgment / He stands for the law / Kinda looks like a hero / And sounds like your Pa
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: He smiles and he laughs / His voice tinged with gravel / But the bad-guys just gasp / When he bangs his big gavel
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
COWBOY: Judge Wapner.
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: When neighbors brawl / When lovers refute / When suppliers and buyers and liars dispute / Wapner won’t let those lawbooks get dusty / Got a buddy named Doug / And a sidekick named Rusty
BACK-UP SINGERS: RUSTY!
COWBOY: With Wapner.
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: Doesn’t do it from towers / Doesn’t do it from steeples / He does it in court / A court called “People’s”
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
COWBOY: “People’s Court.”
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
COWBOY: Call him “Your Honor.”
COWBOY: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS, UNDER
ANNOUNCER: Judge Wapner RULES… on “The People’s Court.”
Here’s the version of the spot we did for men. We also did a version for women. Will find that and post soon!.
Guys! Have you ever wanted to star in your own beer commercial? Well, now you can, thanks to this Budweiser radio spot that will “cue” you to say *YOUR NAME* during a very romantic scenario. So open a couple of long-necks and enjoy your “date” with a woman who is, evidently, “both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model.” We think you’ll do very well in your first commercial! Let us know how it goes.
Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer/Director: Paul Fey | Agency: Paul & Walt Worldwide
Come on, a little too professorial. The elbow patches are spot on, sure, but who lines up markers like that, and why would the guy who tries to simplify everything write so much sh*t on the board?
“Well, sure,” Walt admitted. “I promote the class as a way for advertising majors to learn to strategize, write, produce, cast, direct and engineer a original, 3-spot radio campaign — — and I wanted to look the part.”
Walt’s slogan for the class, which is filled with mostly funny radio, old and new: “Laugh Your Ads Off.”
This article first appeared in Call Letters, the member newsletter of the Southern California Broadcaster Association, in Fall, 1995. Paul & Walt Worldwide had just completed a national, Fall Sweeps radio campaign promoting CBS-TV, including hit show “Murphy Brown.” Candice Bergen and cast, above.
Paul & Walt Worldwide Converting Ears to Eyes
A Southern California ad agency with the unlikely name of Paul & Walt Worldwide created a “huge radio extravaganza” recently, included appearances by the Temptations, Candice Bergen, Connie Chung and the stars of Designing Women to help client CBS-TV score a major upset, winning its first Fall Sweeps ratings victory in Southern California in six years.
The radio “theatre of the mind” – which recently won a SUNNY for best television promotion – featured a cast of thousands and two CBS-TV sportscasters describing the action with Connie Chung playing the saxophone and the Temptations executing simultaneous backflips. The spots also featured the stars of Designing Women in a dazzling exhibition of synchronized swimming.
“This was a perfect opportunity,” says partner Paul Fey, “to make a major effort on radio and use the medium for what it does so well: utilize the listeners’ imaginations.
CBS-TV made a major commitment to win the Fall premiere week and sweeps battle with new programming and promotion after finishing poorly for several years. The company made the biggest radio campaign in history as part of the massive, multi-media drive.
To tie in with the television campaign, CBS-TV saturated Southern California radio over Labor Day weekend. Paul & Walt produced eight related radio spots built around a fictional event: the “CBS Get Ready Weekend.”
The agency’s two principals, Paul Fey and Walt Jaschek, had separate, successful ad careers prior to joining forces as Paul & Walt Worldwide. Fey began his career at CBS-owned KMOX-TV, St, Louis, creating radio for the station’s audience promotion efforts. Jaschek was simultaneously working as Creative Director for a Colorado ad agency. By 1982 they were each winning national awards. Since then, they’ve won more than 300.
“Walt and I met in 1974 in college when we were both journalism majors and worked on the college newspaper together,: says Walt Jaschek. “Paul used to collect Dick Orkin and Alan Barzman radio spots, and I would ask him, ‘When are we going to great stuff like that?’”
When Paul Fey was writing and producing alone, he was getting job offers from CBS stations who were aware of his work for KMOX. “I didn’t really want to do the same thing in L.A. or New York,” he says. “I really wanted to hold out just enough, to go into business for myself and work for all them. I did that in 1985, and within a few months I was a one-man shop, writing and producing and doing most of my work in Los Angeles. The business was growing fast and needed some help.”
Fey’s school chum Walt, having moved back to St. Louis to become an advertising manager for Southwestern Bell, eventually realized his goal of free-lancing.
The two joined forces fives years ago when Paul got a huge assignment. Since that time Walt has become the full-time writer and Paul participates in concept work and takes care of the business and production end.
In addition to CBS-TV, the agency does creative work for King Word (distributors of “Wheel of Fortune” and “Jeopardy”,) Warner Bros. and Anheuser-Busch.
“We love working in radio,” says partner Jaschek. “It lets us supply endless visuals and the listener completes the pictures we create.”
“The only downside to doing radio,” adds Fey, “is that you can’t convince the client that the radio spot has to be done on location in Hawaii like you can with a TV spot.”
Paul Fey and Walt Jaschek of Paul & Walt Worldwide.
