Walt creates 30-second radio and audio spots people will talk about – with outstanding writing, casting, recording, performance and production.
You have a strong suspicion your current 30-second radio spots suck.
Oh, you believe strongly on spending marketing dollars for :30s on Pandora, Spotify, podcasts and terrestrial radio. You’ve seen the stats on reach, engagement: consumption of audio is increasing by the nano-second. And you yourself have mastered digital audio’s deliriously powerful targeting. You know just how to reach those left-handed yoga instructors in cities with the letter “y” in them.
But the creative you’re currently playing feels played.
The writing isn’t as sharp as it could be. The performances feel underwhelming. The whole creative concept didn’t have focus in the first place. It feels dated. And it’s trying to do too many damn things at once.
You step out of the shower and say, “I wish I could just order up a new 30-second creative with a radio production resource who would truly get what we’re going for, then take care of the execution, start to finish, and keep me in the loop at strategic process points.”
Then you towel off.
Put some clothes on, potential client. And talk :30 to me.
I’m Walt Jaschek, your radio commercial production concierge. My creative radio partners and I will guide your brand through the entire campaign-creating journey.
For 40 years, on teams and individually, we’ve co-created some of the most famous, funny radio campaigns an advertising award shelf can hold. We know how to squeeze dripping comedy from them. We know what makes them tick… tick… tick. Boom!
Now, we want to help you create branded audio that grabs the ear, engages the brain, touches the heart, and brings your call to action… to action.
Our deliverable to you: one finished spot or many, fully produced and ready to air. And ready to love.
Step by step, that includes:
1. A super-smart creative strategy that will not have the phrase “super-smart” in it.
But it will help us agree on a sole purpose and a singular message.
2. Writing that’s as sharp as the wind whipping through the skyscrapers of Chicago.
You might need a heavier coat.
3. Expert casting: an ear for the right voice for the part.
And we’ll have lots to choose from, because we’ll draw upon…
4. The greatest voice talents in the universe.
Every voice talent with a home studio (which is every one of them) is a potential member of our cast.
5. Full producing and directing services.
We’ll be happy to be the people who say, “Let’s do one more for safety.”
6. Top digital recording studios.
With our real-time, virtual sessions, no two people are in the same room at the same time. And you can peek in from the pool to watch, weigh in, or ghost.
7. The perfect music and sound effect choices.
“I think we need a harp glisten under that explosion,” said nobody ever.
8. A magical mix of all elements.
We will work with smart, fast-on-the-gain audio engineers who read audio waveforms for fun over breakfast.
9. Uploading final digital files.
The sweet mp3s will be sent with m-p-empathy via email to you, your clients, and/or the stations and streaming services directly.
Engaging my services starts with a contact. A friendly hello.
We’ll set up an audio call if it seems right. Because, you know: Audio.
And we’ll talk :30.
Walt Jaschek is an American comedy writer and performer based in St. Louis, Missouri. For his funny, award-winning, national ad campaigns, he was inducted in 2018 into the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame. Declaring himself “not history yet,” Walt is continuing to focus on the funny.
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” is a 60-second funny radio commercial created for smartship.com by writer Walt Jaschek and producer Paul Fey. It’s relatable comedy about self-incrimination.
The funny radio advert “Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” stars Stewart Sloke as someone very, very good at beating himself up. The premise of Walt Jaschek’s script is that the advertiser, smartship.com, understands holiday stress so well, it has provided an outlet for relieving that stress. The dialogue demonstrates comedic, relatable self-criticism, but also provides a handy solution in the form of the advertiser’s services.
Here’s the spot and the script.
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” | :60 Radio | Script by Walt Jaschek
SFX: Phone pick-up
HOTLINE WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.
CALLER (sheepish): Is this the Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?
HOTLINE WORKER: Yes. sir, if you’d like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.
CALLER: Okay, I’d like to beat myself up now, please.
HOTLINE WORKER: Go right ahead when you’re ready.
CALLER (as if ready for this moment): [Ahem.] I am so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid I am. What an idiot. I left all my holiday shipping until the last minute again. Now it’s a huge hassle. Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?
HOTLINE WORKER (genuinely impressed): You beat yourself up very well, sir.
HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just go to smartship.com.
HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zip code, and smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable ways to do your holiday shipping, even at the last minute.
CALLER: Wow. Smartship.com!
HOTLINE WORKER: Mmm-hmm.
CALLER (ramping up again): Why didn’t I think of that?
HOTLINE WORKER: Well…
CALLER: Why do I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?
HOTLINE WORKER: Sir…
CALLER: When, oh when, will I ever have an original idea?
HOTLINE WORKER: You are really good at this, sir.
CALLER (beaming with pride): I’ve been told it’s a gift.
ANNOUNCER: Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.
Funny radio commercials: Beloved. Effective. Memorable.
Funny radio adverts will make audiences fall in love with your brand. Whether or Pandora, Spotfiy, podcast or terrestial radio, well-written and well-produced comedy spots get heard, get remembered, and get results. Great radio creative makes a media buy in the medium so worth it, and bonus: it improves the overall radio listening experience.
If you’re in the advertising, TV promotion or radio biz, we hope our award-winning scripts and spot serve as helpful, inspiring examples of radio copywriting, voice acting and production. If you just love funny audio, we get that, too. (Paul is now at World Wide Wadio and Walt has a YouTube channel dedicated to this stuff.)
Ways to enjoy and study these radio ad examples:
(1.) You can settle in with this uninterrupted compilation video of all 14 of our funny radio ad examples – just click, sit back and enjoy as the funny flows.
Or (2.) you can scroll down to the individual funny radio commercial titles and descriptions, and follow links to the corresponding script examples here on this site.
Ready, set, play!
From “Missing Persons” to “Vibrating Water Bed” – 15 funny radio commercials back-to-back. You will laugh, guaranteed. Let them pour over you.
Funny radio commercial #1: “Robert Goulet” for The Simpsons
Winner, $20,000 Mercury Award for Radio Humor. Starring the late, great singer/orator Robert Goulet as himself. Technique: a funny list structure, contrasting a serious, somber voice to the cartoon character’s juvenile, sarcastic sayings. Opening line: “And now, Mr. Goulet reads from the writings of Bart, the collected, after-school blackboard writings of young Bart Simpson.” Read the script.
Funny radio commercial #2: “Missing Persons” for Matlock
Winner, Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” Winner, National Addy Award. Technique: funny dialogue and theatre of the mind to demonstrate fan devotion. The staccato dialogue was written in the style of Jack Webb’s “Dragnet,” with the added benefit of the built-in repetition. Don’t miss the great sound design of the goofy caller walking down the hall and back. That’s radio, baby! Key line: “My wife is missing.” Read the script.
Radio writers: the “Missing Persons” commercial is a good example of the copywriting tip, “Keep one feature or benefit to a spot.” To illustrate: after listening, can you name what time Matlock is on?
Funny radio commercial #3 and #4: “Laugh Catalog 1 & 2” for George Schlatter’s Comedy Club
Winner, Clio Award for “Best Use of Sound.” Technique: “list” structure and contagious sounds of laughter. This video also contains the sequel, “Laugh Catalog 2.” Bonus trivia: these spots represent two of the first creative collaborations between writer Walt Jaschek and producer Paul Fey. When Walt heard the incredible sound design Paul and engineer Bill Schulenberg brought to the spots, he thought, “This radio thing. We might be onto something here.” Key line from the spot: “Guffaw With Wheeze.” Read the script.
Funny Radio Commercial #5: “Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” for Smartship.com
Winner, National and Regional Addy Awards. Technique: funny dialogue and very human, relatable self-recrimination. (“I am so stupid! I can’t believe how stupid I am!” The spot imagines a call-in hotline for just such a thing. This spot is one of the most listened to and liked radio commercials on our YouTube channel. Maybe’s it’s biceps on the guy in the thumbnail? Key lines: “Wow, you beat yourself up very well, sir.” “Thanks!” Hear the spot, read the script.
Winner, National Addy Award, Radio. Clio Award, Best Radio Copywriting. Technique: “quick cut” structure of comic one-liners. This is a technique Paul and Walt used many times throughout the years: Walt loves it because “it’s sort of like writing a stand-up set.” Also note the slight self-deprecating attitude the client allowed. Very rare these days. Key line: “Southwestern Bell Mobile is trouble-free. But then, trouble is always free.” Hear the spot and read script.
Winner, Promax Muse Award and a National Addy Award. Technique: music parody with lots of internal rhymes and inside-joke show references. It’s a spoken-word “ballad” honoring pop culture icon Judge Jospeh Wapner, original judge on the TV series “The People’s Court.” Come on: are there funnier songs about reality TV? Key line: “He talks and he laughs / his voice full of gravel, but the bad guys just gasp / when he bangs his big gavel.” Hear the spot, read the script.
Winner of a National Addy Award. Technique: quick cuts of relatable, comic one-liners with rocking, musical “black-outs.” This is another of the stand-up-comedy-style spots polished by Paul & Walt, as heard in the Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems spot above. This time our droll wit is a woman and fierce Volvo lover. Key line: “A friend of mine asked me to tell him about my Volvo. ‘Hey,’ I said, “That’s just between me and my gynecologist.,” Hear the spot, read the script.
Technique: funny dialogue, theatre of the mind, and a “game” of listener participation.(“Whenever you hear this sound – DING! – insert your name.”) The target audience of this spot is men, but we wrote a version for women with the roles reversed. Key line: “Sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day to be a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model.” Tell us about it. Hear the spot, read the script..
Techniques: theatre of the mind and a “game” of listener participation. A little bit of outrageousness to match the personality of the star. Gene Simmons is the founder of Kiss and star of the “Family Jewels” family reality TV series on A&E. He’s also famous in rock culture for having a verrrrrry long tongue. Hence the inspiration for this tongue-focused spot. Key line: “It’s the rock-meets-reality TV series that licks them all.” Hear the spot, read the script.
National Addy Award winner. Technique: parody of fan/cult behavior to express popularity of show. This spot, part of an entire “Shaving My Head” campaign, was reimagined by Channel 6 Miami into a very funny TV commercial with people all over South Florida shaving, what else, their heads. Key line: “I’m shaving my head!” Hear the spot, read the script..
Winner, Promax Award for local news promo. Technique: funny dialogue and theatre of the mind. A corrupt businessman gets a visit from NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters, and he has only one option. (Yes, that’s Walt standing in for Mister Rippemoff, above.) Key line: “Tell them I went out my window, down the fire escape, and booked down the street screaming like a madman.” Hear the spot, read the script.
Promax Award for syndicated TV promo. Technique: funny dialogue, theatre of the mind, funny sound effects. This spot, one of a series of “Larry and LaVerne” commercials created by Paul & Walt for Jeopardy and its distributor, King World, featured very funny performances by legendary comedians Lorenzo Music and Patti Deutsch. Hear the spot, read the script.
Technique: funny dialogue; use of historical figure of import and intellectual capacity to contrast the simplicity of the offer. In it, “Dr. Albert Einstein” announces he’s working on a “brand new theory,” but is looking for help in “marketing” it. He’s pointed to CreativeWorks, a “one-stop shop for marketing solutions.” “Even for a genius?,” the good doctor asks. “Especially for a genius,” he is reassured. A couple of funny actors having a good time with this one! Hear the spot, read the script.
Here are links to a few articles in the media by others about funny radio commercials: their creation, their effectiveness, and their role in the media. If you are an advertiser, a copywriter, or a student of funny radio adverts, they might give you additional perspective on the importance and impact of well-written and well-produced audio ads in marketing and pop culture.
Walt Jaschek is a writer of comedy and copy for big brands. For his work creating funny, award-winning ad campaigns for the entertainment industry, he was inducted in 2018 into the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame. Declaring “I’m not history yet,” Walt is still writing funny daily.
The St. Louis Media History Foundation asked writer Walt Jaschek to add some comedy to its 2021 Hall of Fame video. This “Zoom call” is the result. Congratulations to the new honorees in the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame, which due to The Current Situation is a video celebration only, archived on YouTube.Ken Ohlemeyer … Continue reading Walt Jaschek “calls in” to St. Louis Media Hall of Fame
Oh, creatives! Don’t fall on that sword over your favorite idea. Certainly don’t pull pistols! “How to Kill a Pitch” is a cautionary comedy video Walt Jaschek wrote on this subject, directed by Angie Lawling, shot by Chris Lawling, produced by Mercury Films. All in good fun: it’s movie blood. Client not loving your latest idea? There’s … Continue reading How to Kill a Pitch: Ad Biz Satire, Walt Jaschek Script
Overcome procrastination and writers’ block! In a new “timed writing” video, writer Walt Jaschek prompts you to join him as he writes uninterrupted for 22 minutes. (It works!) Is there something you need to write? Are you in avoidance mode? Would a timed, 22-minute deep dive move something along? And would watching Walt write at … Continue reading 22-Minute Writing Sprint
Tips from a pro on how to write funny radio commercial scripts. An important task worth doing well. If you’re laughing, you’re doing it right.
These suggestions and secrets are intended for copywriters, script writers, radio producers, voice actors, students: all those who love radio and want to make it better – and funnier.
These tips come from my 40, count ’em, 40 years of writing funny radio scripts. (Here are 15 of the funniest.)
If you’re writing radio spots for a living, and you’re laughing while you’re doing it (because your scripts are just so darn funny,) you’re doing it right. If your brow is furrowing while you’re doing it, you’re doing it wrong.
Enjoy the ride, I say. And laugh your ads off.
Tip #1 for Writing Funny Radio Scripts: End Big.
Why would my first tip about “How to Write a Really Funny Radio Ad” be about the ending of your radio script?
Because the Big Finish is the Big Secret.
So, so many spots start strong – with a funny character, a clear point of view, an ear-catching effect – and maintain it (mostly) throughout the spot, BUT completely give up about halfway through, as if to say, “my work is done here.”
You know how it is, even as a listener. Once a funny “concept spot” hits that mid-point, any comic conceit is thrown out the audio window.
Then it’s pure drudgery; copy points being drilled, one after another, all comedy left behind, then, worse, those white-noise wrap-ups, from “Member, FDIC,” to those long, speed-talk legal disclaimers: unnecessary (why not kick the listener to a URL?) and, for the radio listening experience, an insidious kind of evil.
Weak endings let the listener down. “I gave you my full attention for this? I will remember to tune out your brand’s messaging from this moment on.”
Instead, reward your listener. Say, “thanks for listening all the way through,” with a funny punch at the end. It’s a climax, in all senses of the word, just as in there is in all good story-telling.
Example: our “Beat-Yourself-Hotline” spot for Smartship.com. In it, a frazzled fellow practices a very fine form of self-recrimination. Until his skill is rewarded at the spot’s Big Finish.
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” | Sixty-second radio for Smartship.com
Put the biggest joke, the sure-fire, laugh-out-loud moment, at about second :50, just in time to really invoke a reaction, then bring it home with a denoument (“falling action”) in the form of a final call to action.
Your listener will experience something close to delight, and will gladly give listening focus to your brand’s next message, knowing there’s something attractive to paying attention.
Here’s another example of Finishing Big.
It’s our “Laugh Catalog” spot for the stand-up comedy TV series “George Schlatter’s Comedy Club.” A Clio-winner for Best Use of Sound, this seminal Paul & Walt spot has a simple list structure – “cataloging” types of human laughter, with laughter itself being the benefit of watching the funny show.
But the best gag, and the best laugh, is held ’til the end. It’s a guffaw, literally.
“Laugh Catalog” | Sixty-second radio for George Schlatter’s Comedy Club
There are other radio writing best practices demonstrated in that spot: the idea of writing for a voice, the value of a “list” structure, the need to use a sonic, ear-driven medium in the most “sound” way.
But it’s here as a great example of a satisfying conclusion, of holding your cards to that climactic moment, in which you as a writer, say, “Here. I have a royal flush.” It’s that ace up your sleeve.
So try it, radio writers. Drive. Keep going. Through the copy points, through the brand promise, even through the legalese, and honor your listener with the gag they deserve.
Your spot will be more beloved, and perhaps have a life beyond its initial airing. In the memory of listeners. In the memory of marketing officers. In the memory of ad award judges.
Tip #2 for Writing Funny Radio Scripts: One Copy Feature to a Spot
What’s the one thing that will keep your spot from achieving capital-C Comedy?
Too many damn copy points.
If your creative brief has more than three features it wants to communicate about a brand, business or product, it’s not worth the shiny, yellow paper it’s printed on.
And even if it does have three, your job is to take those copy points one at a time. Let’s just you’ve just been handed a brief for Smilin’ Sam’s Fashion Farm. We must, must, must say it has:
• The biggest selection of Spanx in town
• The lowest prices of any second-hand clothing retailer
• Plenty of free parking
Those are three different spots. Each one worthy of its own, separate demonstration of the benefit of the feature. What’s the benefit of having the biggest selection of Spanx? (More spanx.) What’s the benefit of lowest prices? (More spanx.) What’s the benefit of plenty of free parking? (More spanx.)
Hmmm. I guess “More Spanx” should be the tagline of Smilin’ Sam’s.
Here’s our somewhat famous commercial for the syndicated TV series, “Matlock.” (It won a Clio Award for Best Radio Copywriting.) Praise Matlock! There are a lot of things to say about the well-remembered. long-running, Andy Griffith courtroom drama. But the only thing the TV station client wanted us to do was to tell viewers that the show had changed time slot. Blessed is the client who just wants to say one thing!
“Missing Persons” | Sixty-second radio for “Matlock”
The power of repetition – power of repetition, write that down – really is doing the work here. And performances. And production. I based the script’s staccato rhythms on Jack Webb’s “Dragnet” series. But the conceit comes alive through Paul Fey’s direction, those great Hollywood actors and sound design that puts us in the room where it happens. Or the phone call where it happens.
Lesson: One major copy point to a spot. One. A few others can be sprinkled around the edges if need be, but: one.
Urging: If your client or account director wants to say ten different things, they just bought ten different spots.
Tip Number 3 for Writing Funny Radio Scripts: Take Sh•t Out
Less is truly more, especially in radio, when giving a message time to breathe is better for the sender. And the receiver.
If you’ve timed your script – and you are timing your scripts, with a stopwatch, multiple times, of course – and the thing is coming it at :30 or :60 if you read it fast enough, with each FX faded under and every nanosecond accounted for…
You don’t have a spot yet.
You have to take sh*t out.
And the spot will be better for it. There’s no prize for getting all that sh*t in there. The overall listening experience is compromised for the pyrrhic victory of making the account team happy; if nobody is paying attention, the fact that Smilin’ Sam’s Fashion Farm has Spanx in sky blue won’t be noticed anyway.
Let the script breathe. Give it some “white space” in the form of beats of silence or beats of music. Let a “reaction shot” linger. You can do it. You have to shorten the sell (best) or even kill one of your gags or dialogue exchanges (difficult but necessary for the greater good.)
An example and an anecdote.
“Robert Goulet” | 60-Second Radio for” The Simpsons”
Listen to the luxurious pace at which the famed orator reads from “The Writings of Bart, the collected after-school blackboard writings of young Bart Simpson.” At Paul Fey’s direction, Goulet adds somber import to each line reading, almost in harmony with the dignified music, all a contrast to, you know, those goofy words. “I will not bring sheep to class,” Goulet intones. “A burb is not an answer.”
If the pace had been performed any faster, I offer, the spot would not have won a gazillion billion industry awards, including the $20,000 Mercury Award for Radio Humor. But it did.
I can think of time after time when cutting a few lines made everything better, and I can remember the first time I suggested it. Spoiler: I was a client.
In the 1980s, I was managing advertising for Southwestern Bell from a job on the inside. I was supplying brand positioning and strategy. Storied agency DMB&B was supplying the creative and media plan. I was 30 and had a budget of something like $3 million to manage; I was a good steward, I think.
As a copywriter at heart, it was a bit hard (but not impossible) to remove myself from the radio scripts that were presented to me. I encouraged the funny, hoped to break through, and let the writers do their thing.
I remember the writers, account executive, engineer, voice talent and I were gathered in a recording studio in New York – we recorded in New York back then, when job costs and expense accounts were flowing with green.
The writer’s spot – something about a cop stopping a speeder, with some Southwestern Bell benefit thrown in there – was coming in a few seconds too long. The performers sped up until the spot was in time, but the comedy went up in smoke, just like the account guy’s cigarette.
From the booth, I said: “I know what we can cut.” And I highlighted in the script a few lines of the sell.
Everyone was shocked. The client is cutting the sell?
“Sure,” I said. “We’ve already made one solid point. We don’t need those other points. We can save them for other spots. The overall listening experience will be better. We’ll get more listens, a better reaction.”
Nobody argued twice. The lines were cut. The spot was good. The results were good.
A week later, a gift arrived from the agency to my corporate cube. It was a plaque, a meticulous homemade thing, looking all official and shiny.
It was from the agency.
It said, in huge type, “Good Client Award.”
We all laughed. Good Client Awards weren’t really a thing. But I appreciated the gesture.
And this time, as every time:
I was glad I cut those lines.
More tips coming soon! Want funny radio ads produced for your brand or business?
Let’s talk 👋 Don’t hesitate to reach out with the contact information below, or send a message using the form.
“Missing Persons” is a funny radio commercial created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the syndicated run of the TV series “Matlock” starring Andy Griffith. This spot, written by Walt Jaschek, produced and directed by Paul Fey, garnered many ad industry awards, including the Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars voice talent Tom Poston, Harvey Atkin and Orson Bean.
It’s also a good copywriting example. Here’s the script.
“Missing Persons” :60 Radio Script by Walt Jaschek
SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up
TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?
COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: Your wife is missing?
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: When did you last see her, sir?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Four o’clock?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?
GOOFY GUY: The bedroom.
COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?
GOOFY GUY: No.
COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”
GOOFY GUY: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?
STERN COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Goofy guys puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The goofy guy closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]
GOOFY GUY: Hello?
COP: I’m here.
GOOFY GUY: She’s watching “Matlock!”
COP: I thought so.
GOOFY GUY: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.
COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.
GOOFY GUY: She really likes Andy Griffith!
COP: Of course she does.
GOOFY GUY: She was so busy watching “Matlock” that she forgot to tell me where she was!
COP: Tell her I understand.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
SFX: The goofy guy puts down phone, walks down hallway again.
COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?
SFX: Goofy guy opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.
GOOFY GUY: Hey! My favorite episode!
ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!
The late Robert Goulet, acclaimed American singer and actor, provides his golden voice to this funny radio commercial for “The Simpsons” TV series. The spot, titled after the singer himself, was written by Walt Jaschek, produced and directed by Paul Fey for Fox Television when the show was first launched into national syndication. It is part of a campaign promoting what is now considered the most successful launch of a TV show in syndication history. The script is below. By the way, this spot makes a guest appearance in Larry Oakner’s book about funny radio, And Now a Few Laughs From Our Sponsor. It’s recommended.
And now: Robert Goulet…
ANNOUNCER: And now, mister Robert Goulet reads from “The Writings of Bart,” the collected, after-school blackboard writings of young Bart Simpson. Mister Goulet.
MUSIC: Classical, dignified, under
ROBERT GOULET: I will not trade pants with others.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not Xerox my butt.
A burp is not an answer.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not bring sheep to class.
I will not instigate revolution.
My name is not Doctor Death.
ANNOUNCER: To experience all of Bart’s after-school blackboard writings, watch every classic episode of The Simpsons.
ROBERT GOULET: I will not call the principal, “Spud Head.”
“Viva La Volvo” is a 60-second radio commercial created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the Southern California Dealers Association, and amusingly depicts a woman’s love and obsession with her Volvo. The spot won many ad industry awards and serves as a good example of funny radio copywriting. The production technique, energetic music cutting in and out of one-liners, has served Paul and Walt well over the years. Take a listen.
“Viva La Volvo” Script by Walt Jaschek
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynocologist.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT) pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER
ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”
Get the look! The Jean-Luc look! Named for Jean-Luc Picard, the bold, bald head of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Here’s are a funny, 1990s-era TV spot and radio spot for the syndicated run of the beloved TV series, part of a promotion campaign commissioned by and aired on WCIX-TV, Channel 6 in Miami. Writer: Walt Jaschek. Producer: Paul Fey.
Good news for Jean-Luc lovers: Patrick Stewart is returning to his role as Captain Picard, the bold, bald head of the Enterprise on the new CBS All Access series, “Star Trek: Picard.” (Try it free.)
To celebrate one of favorite actors revisiting one of our favorite characters, let’s listen again to “Auditions,” a classic Paul & Walt radio spot for “Star Trek: the Next Generation.” In it, we hear a director trying to find the right actor to inhabit Picard. It takes a few tries. Just think: we almost had Eddie Deezen as the Cap!
:30 Radio Script “Auditions” For: Star Trek: The Next Generation Writer: Walt Jaschek
SFX: Harp glisten, to indicate a flashback
ANNOUNCER: We take you back now to the auditions for Star Trek: The Next Generation.
DIRECTOR (as if to assembled actors): Okay, people, today we are auditioning for the role of Captain Picard. Please read the line in the script. You, the guy in the bow tie?
NERDY GUY (as nerdy as can be): I am Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise…
DIRECTOR (cutting him off): Thank you. You, sir, the next guy?
BAD ACTOR (clunky): I. am. Jean-Luc. Picard…
DIRECTOR (cutting him off): Thank you. Okay, you, sir, the bald guy?
PATRICK STEWART (in perfect Picard speak): I am Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise.
DIRECTOR: Hmmm. Uh, bald guy?
PATRICK STEWART: Yes?
DIRECTOR: Do you get air sick at warp speed?
MUSIC: Star Trek theme, under
ANNOUNCER: Star Trek: the Next Generation. One hip starship! Weeknights at 7 on Channel 6
Refresh, come on and rediscover Recharge and rewind; Retreat, rekindle and recover Restore your store of mind!
That’s the opening stanza of “Refresh,” a country-western-style jingle, with music and lyrics by Walt Jaschek, produced by Paul & Walt Worldwide. It was commissioned by the Missouri Department of Tourism, and ran on radio and TV stations throughout the Midwest, promoting the “magic of Missouri, and the “refreshing, recharging” benefits of Missouri vacations. Walt’s repeated use of the syllable “re” makes for an engaging, ear-pleasing hook. Take a listen, and read:
“The Refresh Song” lyrics
Refresh, come on and rediscover; Recharge and rewind; Retreat, rekindle and recover; Restore your store of mind!
Replay, recreate a memory, Relax your cares away; Return to the magic of Missouri And make your getaway!
Revive, get recuperated, Reap your reward; Rejoice, get rejuvenated, Just beyond your own backyard.
Reach out, grab your lovin’ family Take time off and play Return to the magic of Missouri And make your getaway!