“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” is a 60-second funny radio commercial created for smartship.com by writer Walt Jaschek and producer Paul Fey. It’s a relatable comedy situation about self-incrimination.
The funny radio advert “Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” stars Stewart Sloke as someone very, very good at beating himself up. The premise of Jaschek’s script is that the advertiser, smartship.com, understands holiday stress so well, it has provided an outlet for talking it out. The dialogue then demonstrates comedic, relatable self-criticism, but also provides a handy solution in the form of the adveriser’s services. Here’s the spot and the script.
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” | :60 Radio | Script by Walt Jaschek
SFX: Phone pick-up
HOTLINE WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.
CALLER (sheepish): Is this the Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?
HOTLINE WORKER: Yes. sir, if you’d like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.
CALLER: Okay, I’d like to beat myself up now, please.
HOTLINE WORKER: Go right ahead when you’re ready.
CALLER (as if ready for this moment): [Ahem.] I am so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid I am. What an idiot. I left all my holiday shipping until the last minute again. Now it’s a huge hassle. Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?
HOTLINE WORKER (genuinely impressed): You beat yourself up very well, sir.
HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just go to smartship.com.
HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zip code, and smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable ways to do your holiday shipping, even at the last minute.
CALLER: Wow. Smartship.com!
HOTLINE WORKER: Mmm-hmm.
CALLER (ramping up again): Why didn’t I think of that?
HOTLINE WORKER: Well…
CALLER: Why do I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?
HOTLINE WORKER: Sir…
CALLER: When, oh when, will I ever have an original idea?
HOTLINE WORKER: You are really good at this, sir.
CALLER (beaming with pride): I’ve been told it’s a gift.
ANNOUNCER: Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.
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