How to Kill a Pitch: Ad Biz Satire, Walt Jaschek Script

Oh, creatives! Don’t fall on that sword over your favorite idea. Certainly don’t pull pistols! “How to Kill a Pitch” is a cautionary comedy video Walt Jaschek wrote on this subject, directed by Angie Lawling, shot by Chris Lawling, produced by Mercury Films. All in good fun: it’s movie blood. Client not loving your latest idea? There’s another one, you know. Come up with it and live, damn it!

Spoiler: look for a cameo by Walt himself in the final scene, amid the “agency in waiting.” Full credits on IMDB.

Bonus: For those who like to read this sort of thing, here’s…

“How to Kill a Pitch”: The Shooting Script
by Walt Jaschek

Characters:

Jon / Creative Director – Agency
Jeanette / Account Director – Agency
Bernard / Chief Marketing Officer – Client
Brooke / Marketing Manager – Client
Ethan / Office Assistant – Client

Extras: The next agency in line to present / 3 people, non-speaking, cameo

BLACK SCREEN

Fade in title: How to Kill a Pitch

Fade up sound of a small group laughing. Title fades out and the laughter bridges across the CUT TO:

INT – CLIENT CONFERENCE ROOM

Jon and Jeanette are wrapping up a presentation to clients Bernard and Brooke. It’s obviously gone well. The laughter is dying down. Jon puts the last of a series of foam core boards face down on a stack.

JON:  And with that final, funny scene, this spot serves as climax to a completely integrated, cross-platform marketing campaign that is “locked and loaded.” Let’s pull that trigger.

JEANETTE:  And from a strategy perspective, it is right on strategy. Right. On.

BERNARD:  Well, Jon, Jeanette: this is fantastic work. Wonderful. A home run. Hilarious, memorable, unforgettable, really. I was totally entertained every second.

Brooke is agreeing with her boss via a series of verbal cues:  “Right, Uh-huh, it is, yes.” The agency people are beaming. Bernard, though, has one more card to play.

BERNARD:  But…

Uh-oh. The agency people trade glances. It’s the “but.” The client’s demeanor changes to a concerned scowl.

BERNARD:  I worry. Is it TOO entertaining? TOO engaging? If we go on the air with something this noticeable, this excellent, will the spot wear out faster? Will people get tired of it? Will we have set a standard of being “excellent” that we’ll have to meet each time?

He gives the word “excellent” air quotes, of course.

Jon and Marcy are completely drained by this exasperating reaction, which they’ve obviously heard before.  It’s just too much.

JON (to Jeanette):  Will you just kill me now?

JEANETTE:  I’m sorry?

JON:  Will you kill me? Right now? Here? On the spot.

Jeanette considers this with sobriety.

JEANETTE: Well, hmmm, yes. Yes, I will. But only if you kill me simultaneously.

JON:  Simultaneously? 

JEANETTE:  Yes.

JON:  That’s a deal.

JEANETTE: Let’s do it.

JON:  I’m in.

Jon pulls a pistol from his sock.  Jeanette pulls a pistol from a Coach handbag.

The clients seem to be bemused by this. But sure enough, the CD and AE point the guns at each other.  Creative director counts down:  “3… 2…. 1…. now.”

Reaction shot of the clients as the creative director and account executive shoot each other in the heads.  BLAM! BLAM! The clients get a little splattered blood on them. We see the bodies of the CD and AE slump to the floor.

But the clients aren’t really disturbed. Brooke turns to Bernard with a studied earnestness.

BROOKE: I don’t think he knew how to answer your question.

Bernard nods. This is the right response from his subordinate. The onus is on the agency, which obviously flaked out.

KER-CHUNK! The client assistant, Ethan, opens the door to the conference room.

ETHAN THE ASSISTANT: Shall I send in the next agency?

Bernard and Brooke straighten, gather papers.  Brooke smiles up at Ethan.

BERNARD:  Certainly.

BROOKE:  Yes, please do.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR HALLWAY

Ethan, holding the smile, turn and looks down the hallway.

REVERSE ANGLE – HALLWAY – ETHAN’S POINT OF VIEW

A group of anxious, smiling people from the next agency, all holding their presentation materials, looking to Ethan for the “come hither” signal.

REVERSE ANGLE – Back to Ethan

With a small hand gesture, he beckons the next agency to advance.

CUT TO BLACK

CREDITS SEQUENCE

Quick single-screen credit cuts and scroll over a lively, jaunty “Ragtime” tune.

“See?,” the music seems to say. “It was all in good fun.”

THE END

Walt Jaschek home

Smirk Du Jour: Slightly Bent Panel Cartoons

The lost art of the panel cartoon came roaring back when comedy writer Walt Jaschek teamed with illustrator Tony Patti for Smirk Du Jour, a series of gags about life, love and laughs.

These New Yorker-style panel cartoons originally appeared in Slightly Bent Comics #1, an American humor series distributed to comic book stores in 1998. The Smirk Du Jour cartoons, featuring Patti’s unique style of illustrations, served as a nice counter-point to the more narrative, multi-page features in the anthology. The two St. Louis-based creators also teamed up for the Corp Rut feature in Slightly Bent #2.

Buy Slightly Bent Comics on eBay

The Date
The Drive
The Class
The Court
The Bar
The Date
The Date

See also:
Corp Rut
Slightly Bent Comics

Buy Slightly Bent Comics on eBay

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Walt Jaschek “calls in” to St. Louis Media Hall of Fame

The St. Louis Media History Foundation asked writer Walt Jaschek to add some comedy to its 2021 Hall of Fame video. This “Zoom call” is the result. Congratulations to the new honorees in the St. Louis Media Hall of Fame, which due to The Current Situation is a video celebration only, archived on YouTube.Ken Ohlemeyer … Continue reading Walt Jaschek “calls in” to St. Louis Media Hall of Fame

How to Kill a Pitch: Ad Biz Satire, Walt Jaschek Script

Oh, creatives! Don’t fall on that sword over your favorite idea. Certainly don’t pull pistols! “How to Kill a Pitch” is a cautionary comedy video Walt Jaschek wrote on this subject, directed by Angie Lawling, shot by Chris Lawling, produced by Mercury Films. All in good fun: it’s movie blood. Client not loving your latest idea? There’s … Continue reading How to Kill a Pitch: Ad Biz Satire, Walt Jaschek Script

22-Minute Writing Sprint

Overcome procrastination and writers’ block! In a new “timed writing” video, writer Walt Jaschek prompts you to join him as he writes uninterrupted for 22 minutes. (It works!) Is there something you need to write? Are you in avoidance mode? Would a timed, 22-minute deep dive move something along? And would watching Walt write at … Continue reading 22-Minute Writing Sprint

Radio Ad Script | “Albert Einstein” in “Marketing Genius”

Dr. Albert Einstein has a new theory. He’s just not sure how to “market” it. In fact, he’s “pulling his hair” over it. And if this genius can’t figure it out, who can? In this dialogue-driven radio commercial, the good doctor is pointed to CreativeWorks, a “one-stop shop for all his marketing materials.” Listen to great Hollywood voice talent having fun in this spot, written and produced by Walt Jaschek for client CreativeWorks of St. Louis, and recorded at World Wide Wadio in Hollywood. The script is below.

SCRIPT
“Marketing Genius”
60-second radio commercial for CreativeWorks

MUSIC INTRO

SOUND FX: LABORATORY SOUNDS, UNDER

HOST: Welcome back to “Creative Thinkers.” Today we’re talking with Dr. Albert Einstein.

EINSTEIN (in German accent): Hello there.

HOST: Hey, Doc, how are you?

EINSTEIN: Oh, fine, fine. (Makes a deliberate joke) At least… relatively.

HOST:  “Rela…”?

(BOTH LAUGH)

HOST: You’re a genius.

EINSTEIN: Danke.

HOST: Hair’s kind of wild, though.

EINSTEIN: Yeah, I’ve been pulling it.

HOST: Pulling it?

EINSTEIN: See, I’ve developed a brand-new theory…

HOST: Really?

EINSTEIN: Und I’ve been putting together a big marketing push for it. But I can’t find one place to handle all my creative materials.

HOST: Have you considered CreativeWorks?

EINSTEIN: CreativeWorks?

HOST: CreativeWorks is the one-stop expert at creating complete advertising and marketing solutions.

EINSTEIN: Even for a genius?

HOST: Especially for a genius.

EINSTEIN: I’m there!

HOST: Good! By the way, Doc, what is your brand new theory?

EINSTEIN: Well, get this. As it turns out, “e” only equals “mc squared” some of the time.

(Beat as they take this news in)

HOST: Uh-oh.

EINSTEIN: Crazy, huh?

HOST: That’ll have an impact.

EINSTEIN: No kidding.

ANNOUNCER: CreativeWorks. Bright ideas…

SOUND FX: LIGHT BULB CHAIN PULLED, HARP GLISTEN, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: …one stop.

SOUND FX: LAST “Tink” OF HARP GLISTEN

FADE OUT

We have an entire playlist of funny radio commercials: 15 and counting!

Want content like this? Brainstorm with Walt.

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Radio Ad Script | “Mr. Rippemoff” for NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters

Funny dialogue and theatre of the mind are at play in this funny radio spot for Miami’s NewsCenter 7 and their fraud-exposing team known as the Wastebusters. In it, a Miami businessman – Mr. Rippemoff – is not happy to hear from his assistant that the Wastebusters are at his office.

This is the kind of spot you don’t hear much anymore: a well acted and produced scene that’s more akin to what one of associates calls “adver-tainment.” It also helps to have clients who want it and appreciate it! (Bless ’em!) Turn up your speakers for…

:60 RADIO SCRIPT
“MISTER RIPPEMOFF”

For: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters
Writer: Walt Jaschek
Producer: Paul Fey

SOUND FX: OFFICE INTERCOM BUZZES

DOROTHY THE ASSISTANT (voice over intercom): Mister Rippemoff?

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Yes, Dorothy?

DOROTHY: A reporter and crew from NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters is here to see you, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: NewsCenter 7?

DOROTHY: Wastebusters. They expose mind-boggling wastes of taxpayers money right here in the Miami Valley.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: What do they want with me?

DOROTHY: They said you sold the government a ballpoint pen, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: So?

DOROTHY: For a thousand dollars.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Well, it came with refills.

DOROTHY: And a jar of paperclips for two thousand dollars.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: They were multi-colored paperclips.

DOROTHY: Uh-huh.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Red ones, blue ones…

DOROTHY: What should I tell the Wastebusters, sir?

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Do they have lights and cameras?

DOROTHY: And the ballpoint pen, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Tell them I went out my window, down my fire escape, then booked down the street, screaming like a madman.

(beat)

DOROTHY: I don’t think they’ll believe that sir.

SOUND FX: FOOTSTEPS AND WINDOW OPENING

DOROTHY: Mister Rippemoff?

MR. RIPPEMOFF:  (SCREAMING)

DOROTHY: Uh-oh.

MUSIC, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters expose government waste right here in the Miami Valley. And see the Wastebusters in action.

SOUND FX: OUTSIDE TRAFFIC

MR. RIPPEMOFF:  (STILL SCREAMING)

DOROTHY (yelling): You can’t escape them, sir! They’re the Wastebusters!

MR. RIPPEMOFF (running away): I know!

ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters. Weeknights at 6. Coverage you can count on.

DOROTHY (to herself): They’ll find him.

MUSIC OUT

© Paul & Walt Worldwide

Whey, yes, we do have an entire playlist of funny radio commercials. It’s called 15 Funny Radio Commercials to Inspire More of the Same.

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HyperX Quadcast Review: Cool Mic, Good Price, Hear It In Action

Walt Now fires up his new HyperX Quadcast USB external mic and records a video with it – to review the mic itself. (It’s on Amazon. #ad) Looking for a good, external USB mic for your home/office? Found a cool one! I realized I needed an external USB mic to up my YouTube game (and … Continue reading HyperX Quadcast Review: Cool Mic, Good Price, Hear It In Action

Christopher McKarton: 1974 comic strip debut

Walt Jaschek’s first published comic strip: Christopher McKarton, dramatic thriller, serialized weekly in The UMSL Current, Fall, 1974. Script and pencils: Walt. Inks and letters: Gary Hoffman. It was a dramatic debut for Christopher McKarton, my rookie homicide investigator called to an ominous and familiar location. Here are the first four panels as they appeared … Continue reading Christopher McKarton: 1974 comic strip debut

Is Paul Blart: Mall Cop Based on Mel Cool: Map Cop?

The short answer: not as far as we know or can legally prove. In fact, bless that Paul Blart. Somebody had to be “the” Mall Cop in pop culture. He won. But here’s a longer Q&A with Walt Jaschek about that, originally published in 2009, when the movie was coming out but more than a decade … Continue reading Is Paul Blart: Mall Cop Based on Mel Cool: Map Cop?

“Cellular Guy” Radio Ad Scripts for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems

This radio commercial for early generation Southwestern Bell mobile phones established a lively, ear-catching format we used often: a droll voice offering product benefits interlaced with stand-up-comedy-style gags. Great examples of this technique are here in our “Cellular Guy” campaign for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems, which ran for months in multiple markets in the early 1990s. The spots won Clio Awards, Addy Awards and an International Broadcast Award for Best Radio Copywriting.

Here are three scripts in the campaign, all written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey at production company Paul & Walt Worldwide for agency Simmons, Durham & Associates.

Cellular Guy Spot #1
“Crystal Clear”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. When I talk on a Southwestern Bell Cellular Phone, my voice is crystal clear. That’s amazing, considering it’s not really that clear in person.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: I put a Southwestern Bell phone antenna on my head and walked into a crowded restaurant. Forty-two attorneys tried to “dial out” on me.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell cell service is so clear, when I’m talking to my girlfriend, it’s as if she’s right next to me. I can actually hear her withdrawing.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell has cell service that’s trouble-free. But then, trouble is always free.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Someday, Southwestern Bell will be able to break us down molecularly and send our bodies through cellular phones. This might be a long way off, but just in case, I’m getting a haircut.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #2
“Voice Mail”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. So I signed up for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems voice mail. I used to leery about sending voice mail. I wasn’t sure I was putting enough stamps on it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Voice mail is easy. Think of it as rolling up a little yellow sticky note, jamming it into your cellular phone, and having it pop out somewhere else. Think of it like that. Don’t actually do it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: You can send the same messages to multiple places simultaneously. This is especially handy when trying to set up lunch with the Supreme Court.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And with message notification, your car will call you at your office to tell you there’s a message. It could also call just to say “hello.”

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: I mean, just the other day, I was saying, you know, my car never calls me anymore.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #3
“Custom Calling”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. I’ve got all the Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems custom calling features on my cellular phone. Three-way calling, call waiting, call forwarding. Now I need call avoiding.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call waiting is great. And it’s better than the original name, “call interruptus.” I’m glad they changed it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call forwarding is also cool. You can forward your home calls to your car, your car calls to your office, and your office calls to somebody who actually cares.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And I love three-way calling. I can talk to my wife and my best friend, and it’s like they’re in the same room. Problem is, they are in the same room.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Here’s another great three-way use. I dial my new boss, then I add my old boss on the same line. Then I hang up and let them psychologically torment each other.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Scripts and spots © 1991 – 2021 Paul & Walt Worldwide

From the International Broadcast Awards program book, 1991:

Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Custom Calling”
Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Voice Mail”

More fun like this on my YouTube channel.

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Here’s a preview image and description of BAD ASH™, Overdue Accounts Collector, the new comic book action hero created by Walt Jaschek, and coming soon from Walt Now Studios. This rare, original concept art of Bad Ash by Walt Jaschek is for sale. Bad Ash is a high-tech bounty hunter in a glistening city of … Continue reading Bad Ash™: Coming Soon from Walt Now Studios

Review of True Believer: The Rise and Fall of Stan Lee

With great power comes great responsibility. And with great responsibility comes fame, fortune, last-act misfortunes, a cross-maze of lawsuits, and a boatload of movie cameos. Walt Jaschek reviews Abraham Riesman’s new biography, True Believer: The Rise and Fall of Stan Lee. It’s in hardcover and Kindle on Amazon. Check current price. #affiliatelink Here are my … Continue reading Review of True Believer: The Rise and Fall of Stan Lee

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Radio Ad Script | Viva La Volvo

“Viva La Volvo” is a funny, 60-second radio spot created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the Southern California Dealers Association. It amusingly depicts a woman’s love and obsession with her Volvo.

The commercial won many advertising industry awards and serves as a good example of strong radio copywriting. The production technique, energetic music cutting in and out of funny “one-liners,” was used frequently by writer Walt Jaschek and producer Paul Fey for their radio campaigns on behalf of national brands.

First, the spot, followed by the script.

“Viva La Volvo” :60 Radio
Southern California Volvo Dealers
Script by Walt Jaschek

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: A friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynecologist.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT AS SHE STOPS HERSELF) Pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test-drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM RESOLVE INTO FINISH

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us and we’ll craft one equally funny and memorable.

Bonus: See writer Walt try out his new HyperX Quadcast home office microphone, and check current price of this mic on Amazon.

That’s an #affiliate link. Help support this site!

Come on, you know you want to know how much this cool mic costs. -Walt #affiliate

Radio Ad Script | “Missing Persons” for Matlock

This funny radio ad for the TV series “Matlock” was written by Walt Jaschek, and produced by Paul Fey. The spot garnered advertising’s Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars Tom Poston, Harvey Atkin and Orson Bean.

Click and enjoy!

“Missing Persons”
:60 Radio
Script by Walt Jaschek

SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up. “Dragnet”-style staccato dialogue ensues.

TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY CALLER (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?

COP: Missing Persons.

CALLER: My wife is missing!

COP: Your wife is missing?

CALLER: My wife is missing.

COP: When did you last see her, sir?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Four o’clock?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?

CALLER: The bedroom.

COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?

CALLER: No.

COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”

CALLER: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?

COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.

CALLER: Okay.

[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Caller puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The caller closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]

CALLER: Hello?

COP: I’m here.

CALLER: She’s watching “Matlock!”

COP: I thought so.

CALLER: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.

CALLER: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.

CALLER: She really likes Andy Griffith!

COP: Of course she does.

CALLER: She was so busy watching “Matlock,” she forgot to tell me where she was!

COP: Tell her I understand.

CALLER: Okay.

SFX: The caller puts down phone, walks down hallway again.


COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?

SFX: Caller opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.

CALLER: Hey! My favorite episode!

ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!

COP: I’m hanging up now sir. Sir?

FADE OUT

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us.

See also:

14 Funny Radio Ads to Inspire More of the Same

30-Second Radio Ad Script Examples

Walt’s YouTube Channel of Funny Radio

Please comment!

Radio Ad Script | Budweiser | Star-In-Your-Own Commercial

Guys! Have you ever wanted to star in your own beer commercial? Well, now you can, thanks to this Budweiser radio spot that will “cue” you to say *YOUR NAME* during a very romantic scenario. So open a couple of long-necks and enjoy your “date” with a woman who is, evidently, “both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model.” We think you’ll do very well in your first commercial! Let us know how it goes.

Here’s the version of the spot we did for men. We also did a version for women. Will find that and post soon!.

ANNOUNCER: Budweiser presents…

[SOUND FX: DRUMROLL]

ANNOUNCER: …the world’s first “Star-In-Your-Own” Radio Commercial!

[DRUMROLL OUT]

ANNOUNCER: Okay, guys, whenever you hear this sound…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: …insert your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Hi, there…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Sorry I’m late. Sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to be both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model! Oh, am I thirsty! How about it…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: …got anything tall and cool?

[SOUND FX: BOTTLETOP POPPING]

SEXY WOMAN: Ooo! Budwesier Long-Necks! Oh…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: You are so thoughtful.

[SOUND FX: BEER POURING INTO GLASS]

SEXY WOMAN: But of course. Bud’s the first choice for every occasion. [SIPS] Ah, you know,, I have a confession to make. If I ever had a son, I’d want to name him…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: Oh…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Come here. Now! Mmmmm.

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name!

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name!

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name! (chuckling): Well! You did very well in first commercial! Have a Bud. You’ve earned it!

JINGLE: This Bud’s for…

SOUND FX: DING!

ANNOUNCER: Anheuser Busch. St. Louis.

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer/Director: Paul Fey | Production: Bill Schulenberg

Listen to our full playlist of funny radio commercials on You Tube.
Subscribe to Walt’s YouTube channel.

Radio Ad Script | “Laugh Catalog”

One of the first radio collaborations between Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey was this Clio-award-winning spot (“Best Use of Sound”) for George Schlatter’s Comedy Club, a King World TV series showcasing stand-up comics.

When tasked with promoting the upcoming premiere, the duo had no access to clips. “Got no options, got no problems,” they said. No existing content freed them from using clips, and pushed their thinking. “What’s the real, human benefit of this kind of show?,” they asked, and came up with an answer: laughing out loud. The idea for “cataloging” types of laughter was born during a brainstorm on Walt’s front porch, but turning it into great audio fell to producer/director Paul, engineer Bill Schulenburg, and some very funny laughers from the L.A. talent pool. Tip: listen ’til the end.

The script to this spot (read it below) was featured in the book about funny radio commercials, And Now a Few Laughs from Our Sponsors #ad.

RADIO AD SCRIPT
“Laugh Catalog”
:60

MUSIC: Dignified piano, under

PROFESSOR (as if reciting types of laughter in a slide presentation:)
Number Seventeen. The Chuckle.

SFX: A MAN CHUCKLING

PROFESSOR: Number Twenty-Two. The Giggle.

SFX: A WOMAN GIGGLING

PROFESSOR: Number Forty-Nine. The Chortle.

SFX: A WOMAN CHORTLING

PROFESSOR. Number Fifty-Six. The Snort.

SFX: A WOMAN SNORTING

PROFESSOR: Number Sixty-One. The Nasal Burst.

SFX: A MAN NASAL BURSTING

PROFESSOR: Number Sixty-Two. The Sputtering Burst.

SFX: A MAN SPUTTERING THEN NASAL BURSTING

PROFESSOR: Number Seventy-Four. The Cackle.

SFX: A WOMAN CACKLING

ANNOUNCER: The proceeding laughter was brought to you by George Schlatter’s Comedy Club, the new TV show featuring the freshest faces in stand-up comedy.

PROFESSOR: Number One Hundred and Seventeen. The Guffaw.

SFX: A MAN GUFFAWING

PROFESSOR: Number One Hundred and Seventeen “A.” The Guffaw with Wheeze.

SFX: A MAN GUFFAWING, THEN ADDING THE PERFECT WHEEZE

ANNOUNCER: George Schlatter’s Comedy Club. From the creator of Laugh-In.

SFX: GUFFAWING CONTINUES AND FADES OUT WITH MUSIC

© Writers Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey

See also:

15 funny radio commercials to inspire more of the same.

30-second radio ad script examples.

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Cooler Heads Prevail in this Beer Promo Pitch

Copywriter Walt Jaschek recalls a college poster campaign concept he pitched to the Budweiser team at Anheuser Busch. Did the Cooler Heads prevail? Happy first day of Summer! Here’s a seasonal flashback from back in the day, when I was invited by the Budweiser promo team to pitch ideas for a college poster campaign with … Continue reading Cooler Heads Prevail in this Beer Promo Pitch

Walt’s Words of Wisdom: Cilantro

Writer Walt Now has “a line in the sand” when it comes to a certain controversial herb. He’s talkin’ cilantro, and he says the only right way to think about it is: love. As I was saying: There are two kinds of people in the world. People who love cilantro. And people who are wrong. … Continue reading Walt’s Words of Wisdom: Cilantro

Rediscovered! Rare, Star-Studded 1992 CBS-TV Holiday Spot

Scriptwriter Walt Jaschek finds rare, 1992 CBS-TV holiday spot with performances by dozens of TV stars of the day. It’s enchanting. Here’s a holiday TV blast from the past, never before seen on the internet, at least as far as we know. In 1992, CBS-TV offered our agency Paul & Walt Worldwide the opportunity to … Continue reading Rediscovered! Rare, Star-Studded 1992 CBS-TV Holiday Spot

Jaschek, Lee Team in What The–?! #5

“Ill-Conceived Character Couplings: Team-Ups That Just Wouldn’t Work.” What The–?! #5, 1989. Script: Walt Jaschek. Plot and Pencils: Jim Lee. Inks: Al Milgrom. Letters: Jim Parker. Cover: Hilary Barta.

Walt Jaschek looks back on his story in What The–? #5, Marvel’s self-parody comic, originally published in 1989. Walt recalls:

“Just as my freelance writing business was heating up, my friend and superstar comic artist invited me to do a short piece in Marvel’s humor anthology. His idea was teaming up characters who really didn’t belong together. I called it ‘Ill-Conceived Character Couplings.’  As I look back now, I see it was really a bunch of inside jokes for those reading comic at the time. But it was such a privilege to work with Jim and get that first check from Marvel. Even now I think back and say, ‘Did that really happen?’ In other words: ‘What The–?'”

Here is the Hilary Barta’s cover to the issue, followed by the story itself. Credits below.

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See more comics written by Walt

People Who Talk In Movie Theaters: Target of H.U.S.H.

I sold this humor article to the feature section of the Colorado Springs Sun newspaper in the summer of 1982. It documented the start of what became a lifetime of irritation with movie-theater talkers.

This irritation also led, in 1987, to a published letter to TV Guide, and later, in 1993, to a plot device in Mel Cool: Mall Cop. But it was back in Colorado the blood started boiling. Here’s the article.

Vigilantes Needed In Movie Theaters

Special to the Colorado Spring Sun
By Walt Jaschek

I’m not a violent person, really.

In fact, I’m the kind of guy who will capture an insect and set it free rather than endure the trauma of squashing it.

I will cross a busy street rather than confront vicious-looking squirrels and rabbits.

I will befuddle mugger in dark alleys by breaking an a capella rendition of “I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No.” (Experience has shown that any song from “Oklahoma” will scare off the criminally inclined.)

So we should establish at the outside I’m an average, gentle fellow, spending my days pondering the meaning of life, examining man’s inhumanity to man, and devising methods for getting that blonde down the hall over for a game of strip Scrabble.

Lately, however, I’ve been frothing at the mouth in frustration and anger, and I feel as if at any minute I’ll sprout a green wig, torn pants and absolutely Hulk-out. The source of this hostility:

Morons who talk in movie theaters.

It’s my curse. No matter when I sit in the theatre, it is inevitably next to the rude, crude, impardonnable types who blatantly babble during the film.

I sit there and seethe, transferring my anxiety by man-handling my Milk Duds.

As a frequent patron of the cinema, especially during dollar nights, I have found our town to be in excess of quote of loudly express their every non-thought.

We’ll all had to deal with these troglodytes. You’ll be watching a steamy love scene and the guy behind you will complaining about the lack of butter-like-material on his popcorn.

You’ll be absorbed in a riveting moment from a psychological thriller and the woman in front of you will be criticizing the actresses’ hair styles.

I’m nostalgic for the days when people went to the movies to neck. At least they did it quietly. These days, these seem to go to form networking events.

I suppose television is at fault for this tendency toward unrestrained verbalizing. Families are used to sitting around the living room, having open conversation during even the most intense moments of whatever CSI is playing these days.

Specialists in primitive human behavior have identified three sub-genres of movie theatre malevolents:

  • The “Oh, Wow” type. Has just consumed a box of Good ‘n’ Plenty, some Nibs and two Quaaludes. Gasps at every bright color or blast of stereo; reads the credits out loud.
  • The pseudo-intellectual. Pretends to subscribe to Film Comment. Feels obligated to critique the cinematography. Loves to loudly identify where he’s seen that character actor before. Hums along with the film score.
  • The slug. Yells “go for it” during the sex scenes. Complains bitterly about the previews (which are, after all, the best part of movie-going). Needs to have the plot explained to him by the guy named to him. (“No, the Shire is Frodo’s home.”)
  • A catch-all category for couples who try to figure out the murderer, people who laugh at violence, and anyone else who must offer their opinion above a whisper.

So what’s to be done about this unmannered subset of humanity? I’ve suggested to local police that talking in movie theaters be made a misdemeanor, but I’m told this would take untold overtime pay.

Vigilante action is, then, our only recourse. We must gag the verbose Mom and her inquisitive children. We must silence the spaced-out pontificators. We must squelch the Sprite-slurping hecklers.

We’ve paid good money to see the film without distraction and no jury would convict us for defending our right to discussion-free screenings.

I’m not a violent person, really. But this is war.

Walt Jaschek once went to a lot of movies.