Have I Just Been Insulted?

This comic essay is also the intro to my new memoir project, “Walt in Progress.” Here’s how it starts…

“Have I just been insulted?” I’ve been asking myself.

“No, wait, that was an unintentional insult, I think,” over-thinking.

In fact, a series of recent, well, let’s call them “unintentional insults” made me think it might be time to finally write a memoir about my quirky life.

How do these things connect? I’ll explain.

First, though, I ask: Have you ever been unintentionally insulted? You know, when somebody says something insulting to you, but they didn’t realize they were insulting you (probably,) so it sort of doesn’t count?

Here. Let me describe four situations, and you tell me. Intentional or un?

Seemingly Unintentional Insult #1.

This story begins with me grabbing a late-night dinner by myself after teaching a college class. It was an ethnic restaurant here in St. Louis County, and I won’t say which ethnicity, ‘cause it doesn’t matter. Visualize your favorite. Smell it.

I had just taken my seat, when the 20something, male server approached with a notepad. I could tell from overheard moments seconds before that perhaps English wasn’t his first language. That’s okay, too; I’m not a “Speak American” guy. I speak no other languages; I admire people who speak at least two.

He smiled big at me and said:

“Yes, Old Man, can I take your order?”

Old Man?

I choked back a laugh and said, “Yes, sure,” and proceeded to order.

For context, I’m a grey-haired 66 and look it. I don’t look much older, but I don’t look much younger, and I am every bit a proud Senior Citizen.

I was just struck by the non-ambivalent wrongness of whatever he thought he was translating. I truly believe he thought he was saying something else, such as, “Yes, Distinguished Gentleman, may I take your order?”  Or “Yes, Greying Wizard, may I take your order?”

But sure enough, when my meal was done, he approached again, and said, “Yes, Old Man, may I bring you the check?”

This time I just smiled and nodded. I paid the check, tipped well. I’m sure he didn’t mean the insult. It was unintentional. Right?

I mean, I don’t know what “Distinguished Gentleman” would translate to in his language. So how can I expect him to know?

Dinner was great, by the way.

Seemingly Unintentional Insult #2

A week or so later, I was checking out some items at the local grocery. It was early morning and I was gathering a few items pre-breakfast. I had some black tea bags, a bottle of orange juice, and a Wall Street Journal.

The very tall, middle-aged woman clerk scanned the items, noting, “Wow, you have your coffee, you have juice, you have your paper, you are ready for the kitchen table.”

“Yes, I am,” I said, smiling.

“You are going to be a happy little man,” she said, handing me my receipt.

Happy little man?

I know she was tall, but come on, I’m five-foot-ten. I’m not that little. I’m average.

She breezily went about her business. The condescension was quirky, right?

My wife heard this story and got a kick out of it. Every once in a while, when she sees me engaged in stuff I love – eating oatmeal with granola while reading a comic book and listening to movie scores – she’ll say, “Look at you. You’re a happy, little man.”

I’m sorry to say it’s caught on.

Seemingly Unintentional Insult #3

Recently I drove my wife and me to a family gathering. It was very fun, very nice, and during it, a family member who saw how I had parked my car outside his house, said, “Who parks your car?”

I said, “I did.”

“Oh, my God,” he said.

We looked and I had parked poorly… like three feet from the curb, almost as if in the driving lane. This family member went outside, took a picture of my parking job, and texted it to another family member…. Can you believe this? Everyone seemed to agree this parking was so bad, it could be a meme.

This, therefore. might not count as an unintentional insult. Because:

(A.) My parking job was pretty bad.

(B.) There was nothing unintentional about these remarks. It was more like, giving me shit for something I should be given shit for. I can take that, I’m plucky!  So was it an insult at all, intentional or not?  Riddle me that, readers, and also, note: you shouldn’t ever ask me to park your car.

Very Quite Intentional Insult #4

This also involves cars, broadly.

Recently I was driving a winding country road, doing the speed limit, but being careful because after all, I am of a certain age.

Tailgated by a black truck in a big hurry, a wrap-around-sunglass-clad 30something at the wheel was not enjoying my driving-the-speed-limit thing. He flashed his lights. Navigating those curves, I had no room to pull over for at least a quarter-mile, when finally, some gravel on the side gave me room.

He showed me a scowl and a middle finger when he drove by.

Okay, okay, there’s no ambiguity there. That was of course an intentional insult. Almost a relief in its lack of ambiguity!

Plus, I am getting immune to the flip-offs, horn-honkers, cut-offers, no-signallers and general impatient craziness of Drivers on the Road Today.

[ Old Man Waves At Cloud ]

So there are four examples of recent insults, intentional or un. I will be very interested to read in the comments which should be ignored and which should be absorbed.

But there’s a bigger point here, and, honestly, believe it or not, it’s one of gratitude.

I am grateful for these intentional-or-not incidents. They’re content, baby! They mine comedy gold from otherwise mundane situations. 

I mean, if you are looking at life seeking out material – as a copywriter and “humorist,” I guess I always am – then these zingers, intentional or not, are like unexpected gifts from the Don Rickles and Rodney Dangerfields of the Great Beyond.

Conflict makes stories, and stuff like this has an internal conflict: even if it’s… “Was I just insulted?”

Wait! Is this the beginning of a memoir? One in which I explain my quirky, funny life to at least myself?

Sure!

Let’s call it… “Walt in Progress.” It’ll be about developing life resiliency and internal harmony by honing senses of humor. And coffee.

After all, I’m not getting any younger. Or getting to be any better of a parker.

So (A.) thanks for reading…

(B.) Thanks for commenting…

and (C.) Please be assured, I am indeed…

A happy little man.

How to Kill a Pitch: Comedy Short, Script by Walt

“How to Kill a Pitch” is a short ad biz satire written by Walt, directed by Angie Lawling, shot by Chris Lawling, produced by Mercury Films.

Oh, creatives! Don’t fall on that sword over your favorite idea. Client not loving your latest idea? There’s another one, you know. Come up with it and live, damn it!

Spoiler: look for a cameo by Walt himself in the final scene, amid the “agency in waiting.” Full credits on IMDB.

Bonus: For those who like to read this sort of thing, here’s…

“How to Kill a Pitch”: The Shooting Script
by Walt Jaschek

Characters:

Jon / Creative Director – Agency
Jeanette / Account Director – Agency
Bernard / Chief Marketing Officer – Client
Brooke / Marketing Manager – Client
Ethan / Office Assistant – Client

Extras: The next agency in line to present / 3 people, non-speaking, cameo

BLACK SCREEN

Fade in title: How to Kill a Pitch

Fade up sound of a small group laughing. Title fades out and the laughter bridges across the CUT TO:

INT – CLIENT CONFERENCE ROOM

Jon and Jeanette are wrapping up a presentation to clients Bernard and Brooke. It’s obviously gone well. The laughter is dying down. Jon puts the last of a series of foam core boards face down on a stack.

JON:  And with that final, funny scene, this spot serves as climax to a completely integrated, cross-platform marketing campaign that is “locked and loaded.” Let’s pull that trigger.

JEANETTE:  And from a strategy perspective, it is right on strategy. Right. On.

BERNARD:  Well, Jon, Jeanette: this is fantastic work. Wonderful. A home run. Hilarious, memorable, unforgettable, really. I was totally entertained every second.

Brooke is agreeing with her boss via a series of verbal cues:  “Right, Uh-huh, it is, yes.” The agency people are beaming. Bernard, though, has one more card to play.

BERNARD:  But…

Uh-oh. The agency people trade glances. It’s the “but.” The client’s demeanor changes to a concerned scowl.

BERNARD:  I worry. Is it TOO entertaining? TOO engaging? If we go on the air with something this noticeable, this excellent, will the spot wear out faster? Will people get tired of it? Will we have set a standard of being “excellent” that we’ll have to meet each time?

He gives the word “excellent” air quotes, of course.

Jon and Marcy are completely drained by this exasperating reaction, which they’ve obviously heard before.  It’s just too much.

JON (to Jeanette):  Will you just kill me now?

JEANETTE:  I’m sorry?

JON:  Will you kill me? Right now? Here? On the spot.

Jeanette considers this with sobriety.

JEANETTE: Well, hmmm, yes. Yes, I will. But only if you kill me simultaneously.

JON:  Simultaneously? 

JEANETTE:  Yes.

JON:  That’s a deal.

JEANETTE: Let’s do it.

JON:  I’m in.

Jon pulls a pistol from his sock.  Jeanette pulls a pistol from a Coach handbag.

The clients seem to be bemused by this. But sure enough, the CD and AE point the guns at each other.  Creative director counts down:  “3… 2…. 1…. now.”

Reaction shot of the clients as the creative director and account executive shoot each other in the heads.  BLAM! BLAM! The clients get a little splattered blood on them. We see the bodies of the CD and AE slump to the floor.

But the clients aren’t really disturbed. Brooke turns to Bernard with a studied earnestness.

BROOKE: I don’t think he knew how to answer your question.

Bernard nods. This is the right response from his subordinate. The onus is on the agency, which obviously flaked out.

KER-CHUNK! The client assistant, Ethan, opens the door to the conference room.

ETHAN THE ASSISTANT: Shall I send in the next agency?

Bernard and Brooke straighten, gather papers.  Brooke smiles up at Ethan.

BERNARD:  Certainly.

BROOKE:  Yes, please do.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR HALLWAY

Ethan, holding the smile, turn and looks down the hallway.

REVERSE ANGLE – HALLWAY – ETHAN’S POINT OF VIEW

A group of anxious, smiling people from the next agency, all holding their presentation materials, looking to Ethan for the “come hither” signal.

REVERSE ANGLE – Back to Ethan

With a small hand gesture, he beckons the next agency to advance.

CUT TO BLACK

CREDITS SEQUENCE

Quick single-screen credit cuts and scroll over a lively, jaunty “Ragtime” tune.

“See?,” the music seems to say. “It was all in good fun.”

THE END

Walt Jaschek home

Smirk Du Jour: Slightly Bent Panel Cartoons

The lost art of the panel cartoon came roaring back when comedy writer Walt Jaschek teamed with illustrator Tony Patti for Smirk Du Jour, a series of gags about life, love and laughs.

These New Yorker-style panel cartoons originally appeared in Slightly Bent Comics #1, an American humor series distributed to comic book stores in 1998. The Smirk Du Jour cartoons, featuring Patti’s unique style of illustrations, served as a nice counter-point to the more narrative, multi-page features in the anthology. The two St. Louis-based creators also teamed up for the Corp Rut feature in Slightly Bent #2.

Buy Slightly Bent Comics on eBay

The Date
The Drive
The Class
The Court
The Bar
The Date
The Date

See also:
Corp Rut
Slightly Bent Comics

Buy Slightly Bent Comics on eBay

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Have I Just Been Insulted?

This comic essay is also the intro to my new memoir project, “Walt in Progress.” Here’s how it starts… “Have I just been insulted?” I’ve been asking myself. “No, wait, that was an unintentional insult, I think,” over-thinking. In fact, a series of recent, well, let’s call them “unintentional insults” made me think it might … Continue reading Have I Just Been Insulted?

Mister Sticky™: Master of Invisible Glue

In real life, indecisive 20something Tanner Talbert can’t “stick” to anything. But as Mister Sticky, Master of Invisible Glue, this Heronot can stick to anything! Comic book treatment and script in progress by Walt Jaschek, starring new, creator-owned characters. Mister Sticky TM and © 2021 Walt Now Studios Mister Sticky™ Concept and Characters Concept: A … Continue reading Mister Sticky™: Master of Invisible Glue

Christopher McKarton: Teen Detective (1971)

Amateur “action-thriller” film made by Walt Jaschek and friends as sophomores at Jennings High School introduces Walt’s long-time detective character, played by him. Jennings, Missouri. 1971. A quartet of juvenile delinquents makes a daring escape from a detention center and head for a hide-out of gambling and drugs. When Christopher McKarton, teen detective, learns of … Continue reading Christopher McKarton: Teen Detective (1971)

Radio Ad Script | “Albert Einstein” in “Marketing Genius”

Dr. Albert Einstein has a new theory. He’s just not sure how to “market” it. In fact, he’s “pulling his hair” over it. And if this genius can’t figure it out, who can? In this dialogue-driven radio commercial, the good doctor is pointed to CreativeWorks, a “one-stop shop for all his marketing materials.” Listen to great Hollywood voice talent having fun in this spot, written and produced by Walt Jaschek for client CreativeWorks of St. Louis, and recorded at World Wide Wadio in Hollywood. The script is below.

SCRIPT
“Marketing Genius”
60-second radio commercial for CreativeWorks

MUSIC INTRO

SOUND FX: LABORATORY SOUNDS, UNDER

HOST: Welcome back to “Creative Thinkers.” Today we’re talking with Dr. Albert Einstein.

EINSTEIN (in German accent): Hello there.

HOST: Hey, Doc, how are you?

EINSTEIN: Oh, fine, fine. (Makes a deliberate joke) At least… relatively.

HOST:  “Rela…”?

(BOTH LAUGH)

HOST: You’re a genius.

EINSTEIN: Danke.

HOST: Hair’s kind of wild, though.

EINSTEIN: Yeah, I’ve been pulling it.

HOST: Pulling it?

EINSTEIN: See, I’ve developed a brand-new theory…

HOST: Really?

EINSTEIN: Und I’ve been putting together a big marketing push for it. But I can’t find one place to handle all my creative materials.

HOST: Have you considered CreativeWorks?

EINSTEIN: CreativeWorks?

HOST: CreativeWorks is the one-stop expert at creating complete advertising and marketing solutions.

EINSTEIN: Even for a genius?

HOST: Especially for a genius.

EINSTEIN: I’m there!

HOST: Good! By the way, Doc, what is your brand new theory?

EINSTEIN: Well, get this. As it turns out, “e” only equals “mc squared” some of the time.

(Beat as they take this news in)

HOST: Uh-oh.

EINSTEIN: Crazy, huh?

HOST: That’ll have an impact.

EINSTEIN: No kidding.

ANNOUNCER: CreativeWorks. Bright ideas…

SOUND FX: LIGHT BULB CHAIN PULLED, HARP GLISTEN, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: …one stop.

SOUND FX: LAST “Tink” OF HARP GLISTEN

FADE OUT

We have an entire playlist of funny radio commercials: 15 and counting!

Want content like this? Brainstorm with Walt.

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Radio Ad Script | “Mr. Rippemoff” for NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters

Funny dialogue and theatre of the mind are at play in this funny radio spot for Miami’s NewsCenter 7 and their fraud-exposing team known as the Wastebusters. In it, a Miami businessman – Mr. Rippemoff – is not happy to hear from his assistant that the Wastebusters are at his office.

This is the kind of spot you don’t hear much anymore: a well acted and produced scene that’s more akin to what one of associates calls “adver-tainment.” It also helps to have clients who want it and appreciate it! (Bless ’em!) Turn up your speakers for…

:60 RADIO SCRIPT
“MISTER RIPPEMOFF”

For: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters
Writer: Walt Jaschek
Producer: Paul Fey

SOUND FX: OFFICE INTERCOM BUZZES

DOROTHY THE ASSISTANT (voice over intercom): Mister Rippemoff?

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Yes, Dorothy?

DOROTHY: A reporter and crew from NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters is here to see you, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: NewsCenter 7?

DOROTHY: Wastebusters. They expose mind-boggling wastes of taxpayers money right here in the Miami Valley.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: What do they want with me?

DOROTHY: They said you sold the government a ballpoint pen, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: So?

DOROTHY: For a thousand dollars.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Well, it came with refills.

DOROTHY: And a jar of paperclips for two thousand dollars.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: They were multi-colored paperclips.

DOROTHY: Uh-huh.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Red ones, blue ones…

DOROTHY: What should I tell the Wastebusters, sir?

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Do they have lights and cameras?

DOROTHY: And the ballpoint pen, sir.

MR. RIPPEMOFF: Tell them I went out my window, down my fire escape, then booked down the street, screaming like a madman.

(beat)

DOROTHY: I don’t think they’ll believe that sir.

SOUND FX: FOOTSTEPS AND WINDOW OPENING

DOROTHY: Mister Rippemoff?

MR. RIPPEMOFF:  (SCREAMING)

DOROTHY: Uh-oh.

MUSIC, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters expose government waste right here in the Miami Valley. And see the Wastebusters in action.

SOUND FX: OUTSIDE TRAFFIC

MR. RIPPEMOFF:  (STILL SCREAMING)

DOROTHY (yelling): You can’t escape them, sir! They’re the Wastebusters!

MR. RIPPEMOFF (running away): I know!

ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters. Weeknights at 6. Coverage you can count on.

DOROTHY (to herself): They’ll find him.

MUSIC OUT

© Paul & Walt Worldwide

Whey, yes, we do have an entire playlist of funny radio commercials. It’s called 15 Funny Radio Commercials to Inspire More of the Same.

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“Big Mistake” | Funny TV Campaign for Channel 4 St. Louis (1985)

St. Louis media history rediscovered! Here are KMOX-TV Channel 4’s “Big Mistake” commercials from 1985, alerting viewers to an error in TV Guide magazine. Writer/director: Paul Fey. Guy on camera: me! Yes, that’s me, Walt Jaschek, at a studio in KMOX-TV (St. Louis,) performing on-camera in 1985. I recently found these spots on 3/4″ tape, … Continue reading “Big Mistake” | Funny TV Campaign for Channel 4 St. Louis (1985)

Walt & Don Launch Boastess® Fructose Pies™

We needed a funny product for a funny comic we’re creating. The thought of emulating a certain sweet treat often featured in the comics of our youth? Delicious. Boastess® Fructose Pies™ There’s a sugar crash in every dash! Concept: Walt JaschekPackage design and copy: Don SecreaseStay tuned to see what we do with these! The … Continue reading Walt & Don Launch Boastess® Fructose Pies™

Hero Nots™

Are they heroes? Are they super? NOT. The new, slightly unworthy team from writer Walt Jaschek and Walt Now Films. Hi. Walt here. This is an excerpt from The Hero Nots screenplay I’m writing this Fall. Hope to wrap up the script in 2021, cast and shoot in 2022, post and release to the world … Continue reading Hero Nots™

“Cellular Guy” Radio Ad Scripts for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems

This radio commercial for early generation Southwestern Bell mobile phones established a lively, ear-catching format we used often: a droll voice offering product benefits interlaced with stand-up-comedy-style gags. Great examples of this technique are here in our “Cellular Guy” campaign for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems, which ran for months in multiple markets in the early 1990s. The spots won Clio Awards, Addy Awards and an International Broadcast Award for Best Radio Copywriting.

Here are three scripts in the campaign, all written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey at production company Paul & Walt Worldwide for agency Simmons, Durham & Associates.

Cellular Guy Spot #1
“Crystal Clear”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. When I talk on a Southwestern Bell Cellular Phone, my voice is crystal clear. That’s amazing, considering it’s not really that clear in person.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: I put a Southwestern Bell phone antenna on my head and walked into a crowded restaurant. Forty-two attorneys tried to “dial out” on me.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell cell service is so clear, when I’m talking to my girlfriend, it’s as if she’s right next to me. I can actually hear her withdrawing.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Southwestern Bell has cell service that’s trouble-free. But then, trouble is always free.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Someday, Southwestern Bell will be able to break us down molecularly and send our bodies through cellular phones. This might be a long way off, but just in case, I’m getting a haircut.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #2
“Voice Mail”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. So I signed up for Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems voice mail. I used to leery about sending voice mail. I wasn’t sure I was putting enough stamps on it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Voice mail is easy. Think of it as rolling up a little yellow sticky note, jamming it into your cellular phone, and having it pop out somewhere else. Think of it like that. Don’t actually do it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: You can send the same messages to multiple places simultaneously. This is especially handy when trying to set up lunch with the Supreme Court.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And with message notification, your car will call you at your office to tell you there’s a message. It could also call just to say “hello.”

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: I mean, just the other day, I was saying, you know, my car never calls me anymore.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Cellular Guy Spot #3
“Custom Calling”
:60 Radio Script

MUSIC: A modern version of “I Get Around,” a song originally recorded by The Beach Boys.

CELLULAR GUY (extremely deadpan throughout:) I get around. I’ve got all the Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems custom calling features on my cellular phone. Three-way calling, call waiting, call forwarding. Now I need call avoiding.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call waiting is great. And it’s better than the original name, “call interruptus.” I’m glad they changed it.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: Call forwarding is also cool. You can forward your home calls to your car, your car calls to your office, and your office calls to somebody who actually cares.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

CELLULAR GUY: And I love three-way calling. I can talk to my wife and my best friend, and it’s like they’re in the same room. Problem is, they are in the same room.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER: No wonder more people go more places… with Southwestern Bell Mobile Systems.

CELLULAR GUY: Here’s another great three-way use. I dial my new boss, then I add my old boss on the same line. Then I hang up and let them psychologically torment each other.

MUSIC UP AND OUT

Scripts and spots © 1991 – 2021 Paul & Walt Worldwide

From the International Broadcast Awards program book, 1991:

Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Custom Calling”
Award-winning script for Cellular Guy “Voice Mail”

More fun like this on my YouTube channel.

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How to Kill a Pitch: Comedy Short, Script by Walt

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Radio Ad Script | Viva La Volvo

“Viva La Volvo” is a funny, 60-second radio spot created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the Southern California Dealers Association. It amusingly depicts a woman’s love and obsession with her Volvo.

The commercial won many advertising industry awards and serves as a good example of strong radio copywriting. The production technique, energetic music cutting in and out of funny “one-liners,” was used frequently by writer Walt Jaschek and producer Paul Fey for their radio campaigns on behalf of national brands.

First, the spot, followed by the script.

“Viva La Volvo” :60 Radio
Southern California Volvo Dealers
Script by Walt Jaschek

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: A friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynecologist.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT AS SHE STOPS HERSELF) Pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test-drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM RESOLVE INTO FINISH

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us and we’ll craft one equally funny and memorable.

Bonus: See writer Walt try out his new HyperX Quadcast home office microphone, and check current price of this mic on Amazon.

That’s an #affiliate link. Help support this site!

Come on, you know you want to know how much this cool mic costs. -Walt #affiliate

Radio Ad Script | “Missing Persons” for Matlock

This funny radio ad for the TV series “Matlock” was written by Walt Jaschek, and produced by Paul Fey. The spot garnered advertising’s Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars Tom Poston, Harvey Atkin and Orson Bean.

Click and enjoy!

“Missing Persons”
:60 Radio
Script by Walt Jaschek

SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up. “Dragnet”-style staccato dialogue ensues.

TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY CALLER (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?

COP: Missing Persons.

CALLER: My wife is missing!

COP: Your wife is missing?

CALLER: My wife is missing.

COP: When did you last see her, sir?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Four o’clock?

CALLER: Four o’clock.

COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?

CALLER: The bedroom.

COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?

CALLER: No.

COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”

CALLER: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?

COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.

CALLER: Okay.

[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Caller puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The caller closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]

CALLER: Hello?

COP: I’m here.

CALLER: She’s watching “Matlock!”

COP: I thought so.

CALLER: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.

CALLER: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.

CALLER: She really likes Andy Griffith!

COP: Of course she does.

CALLER: She was so busy watching “Matlock,” she forgot to tell me where she was!

COP: Tell her I understand.

CALLER: Okay.

SFX: The caller puts down phone, walks down hallway again.


COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?

SFX: Caller opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.

CALLER: Hey! My favorite episode!

ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!

COP: I’m hanging up now sir. Sir?

FADE OUT

© Paul & Walt Worldwide. All rights reserved. If you want a commercial like this, contact us.

See also:

14 Funny Radio Ads to Inspire More of the Same

30-Second Radio Ad Script Examples

Walt’s YouTube Channel of Funny Radio

Please comment!

Radio Ad Script | Budweiser | Star-In-Your-Own Commercial

Guys! Have you ever wanted to star in your own beer commercial? Well, now you can, thanks to this Budweiser radio spot that will “cue” you to say *YOUR NAME* during a very romantic scenario. So open a couple of long-necks and enjoy your “date” with a woman who is, evidently, “both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model.” We think you’ll do very well in your first commercial! Let us know how it goes.

Here’s the version of the spot we did for men. We also did a version for women. Will find that and post soon!.

ANNOUNCER: Budweiser presents…

[SOUND FX: DRUMROLL]

ANNOUNCER: …the world’s first “Star-In-Your-Own” Radio Commercial!

[DRUMROLL OUT]

ANNOUNCER: Okay, guys, whenever you hear this sound…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: …insert your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Hi, there…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Sorry I’m late. Sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to be both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model! Oh, am I thirsty! How about it…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: …got anything tall and cool?

[SOUND FX: BOTTLETOP POPPING]

SEXY WOMAN: Ooo! Budwesier Long-Necks! Oh…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: You are so thoughtful.

[SOUND FX: BEER POURING INTO GLASS]

SEXY WOMAN: But of course. Bud’s the first choice for every occasion. [SIPS] Ah, you know,, I have a confession to make. If I ever had a son, I’d want to name him…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

SEXY WOMAN: Oh…

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Come here. Now! Mmmmm.

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name!

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name!

[SOUND FX: DING!]

ANNOUNCER: Your name! (chuckling): Well! You did very well in first commercial! Have a Bud. You’ve earned it!

JINGLE: This Bud’s for…

SOUND FX: DING!

ANNOUNCER: Anheuser Busch. St. Louis.

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer/Director: Paul Fey | Production: Bill Schulenberg

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Radio Ad Script | “Laugh Catalog”

One of the first radio collaborations between Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey was this Clio-award-winning spot (“Best Use of Sound”) for George Schlatter’s Comedy Club, a King World TV series showcasing stand-up comics.

When tasked with promoting the upcoming premiere, the duo had no access to clips. “Got no options, got no problems,” they said. No existing content freed them from using clips, and pushed their thinking. “What’s the real, human benefit of this kind of show?,” they asked, and came up with an answer: laughing out loud. The idea for “cataloging” types of laughter was born during a brainstorm on Walt’s front porch, but turning it into great audio fell to producer/director Paul, engineer Bill Schulenburg, and some very funny laughers from the L.A. talent pool. Tip: listen ’til the end.

The script to this spot (read it below) was featured in the book about funny radio commercials, And Now a Few Laughs from Our Sponsors #ad.

RADIO AD SCRIPT
“Laugh Catalog”
:60

MUSIC: Dignified piano, under

PROFESSOR (as if reciting types of laughter in a slide presentation:)
Number Seventeen. The Chuckle.

SFX: A MAN CHUCKLING

PROFESSOR: Number Twenty-Two. The Giggle.

SFX: A WOMAN GIGGLING

PROFESSOR: Number Forty-Nine. The Chortle.

SFX: A WOMAN CHORTLING

PROFESSOR. Number Fifty-Six. The Snort.

SFX: A WOMAN SNORTING

PROFESSOR: Number Sixty-One. The Nasal Burst.

SFX: A MAN NASAL BURSTING

PROFESSOR: Number Sixty-Two. The Sputtering Burst.

SFX: A MAN SPUTTERING THEN NASAL BURSTING

PROFESSOR: Number Seventy-Four. The Cackle.

SFX: A WOMAN CACKLING

ANNOUNCER: The proceeding laughter was brought to you by George Schlatter’s Comedy Club, the new TV show featuring the freshest faces in stand-up comedy.

PROFESSOR: Number One Hundred and Seventeen. The Guffaw.

SFX: A MAN GUFFAWING

PROFESSOR: Number One Hundred and Seventeen “A.” The Guffaw with Wheeze.

SFX: A MAN GUFFAWING, THEN ADDING THE PERFECT WHEEZE

ANNOUNCER: George Schlatter’s Comedy Club. From the creator of Laugh-In.

SFX: GUFFAWING CONTINUES AND FADES OUT WITH MUSIC

© Writers Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey

See also:

15 funny radio commercials to inspire more of the same.

30-second radio ad script examples.

Latest from the Blog

22-Minute Writing Sprint

Overcome procrastination and writers’ block! In a new “timed writing” video, writer Walt Jaschek prompts you to join him as he writes uninterrupted for 22 minutes. (It works!) Is there something you need to write? Are you in avoidance mode? Would a timed, 22-minute deep dive move something along? And would watching Walt write at … Continue reading 22-Minute Writing Sprint

HyperX Quadcast Review: Cool Mic, Good Price, Hear It In Action

Walt Now fires up his new HyperX Quadcast USB external mic and records a video with it – to review the mic itself. (It’s on Amazon. #ad) Looking for a good, external USB mic for your home/office? Found a cool one! I realized I needed an external USB mic to up my YouTube game (and … Continue reading HyperX Quadcast Review: Cool Mic, Good Price, Hear It In Action

Christopher McKarton: 1974 comic strip debut

Walt Jaschek’s first published comic strip: Christopher McKarton, dramatic thriller, serialized weekly in The UMSL Current, Fall, 1974. Script and pencils: Walt. Inks and letters: Gary Hoffman. It was a dramatic debut for Christopher McKarton, my rookie homicide investigator called to an ominous and familiar location. Here are the first four panels as they appeared … Continue reading Christopher McKarton: 1974 comic strip debut

Jaschek, Lee Team in What The–?! #5

“Ill-Conceived Character Couplings: Team-Ups That Just Wouldn’t Work.” What The–?! #5, 1989. Script: Walt Jaschek. Plot and Pencils: Jim Lee. Inks: Al Milgrom. Letters: Jim Parker. Cover: Hilary Barta.

Walt Jaschek looks back on his story in What The–? #5, Marvel’s self-parody comic, originally published in 1989. Walt recalls:

“Just as my freelance writing business was heating up, my friend and superstar comic artist invited me to do a short piece in Marvel’s humor anthology. His idea was teaming up characters who really didn’t belong together. I called it ‘Ill-Conceived Character Couplings.’  As I look back now, I see it was really a bunch of inside jokes for those reading comic at the time. But it was such a privilege to work with Jim and get that first check from Marvel. Even now I think back and say, ‘Did that really happen?’ In other words: ‘What The–?'”

Here is the Hilary Barta’s cover to the issue, followed by the story itself. Credits below.

whatthe-5-coverwhatth-couplings1whatth-couplings2whatthe-couplings3

See more comics written by Walt