“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” is a 60-second, funny radio commercial, written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey for Smartship.com. It stars Stewart Sloke as a caller to the hotline; turns out he’s very, very good at beating himself up. This spot also provides a good copywriting example; the script is below the video. Listen and enjoy.
Can you beat yourself up as well as THIS guy?
“Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline” | :60 Radio | Script by Walt Jaschek
HOTLINE
WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.
CALLER: Is
this Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?
HOTLINE
WORKER: Yes sir, if you’d like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.
CALLER: Okay,
I’d like to beat myself up now, please.
HOTLINE
WORKER: Go right ahead when you’re ready.
CALLER:
[Ahem.] I am so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid I am. What an idiot. I left
all my holiday shipping until the last minute again. Now it’s a huge hassle.
Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?
HOTLINE WORKER
(genuinely impressed): You beat yourself up very well sir.
CALLER:
Thanks.
HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just go to smartship.com.
CALLER:
Smartship.com?
HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zip code, and smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable ways to do your holiday shipping, even at the last minute.
CALLER: Wow.
Smartship.com
HOTLINE
WORKER:Mmm-hmm.
CALLER: Why
didn’t I like of that?
HOTLINE WORKER: Well…
CALLER: Why do
I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?
HOTLINE WORKER: Sir…
CALLER: When,
oh when, will I ever have an original idea?
HOTLINE WORKER: You are really good at this, sir.
CALLER: I’ve
been told it’s a gift.
ANNOUNCER:
Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.
“Viva La Volvo” is a 60-second radio commercial written by Walt Jaschek and produced by Paul Fey for the Southern California Dealers Association, and amusingly depicts a woman’s love and obsession with her Volvo. The spot won many ad industry awards and serves as a good example of funny radio copywriting. The production technique, energetic music cutting in and out of one-liners, has served Paul and Walt well over the years. Take a listen.
“Viva La Volvo” Script by Walt Jaschek
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynocologist.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT) pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER
ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.
MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT
ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”
“Missing Persons” is a funny radio commercial created by Paul & Walt Worldwide for the syndicated run of the TV series “Matlock” starring Andy Griffith. This spot, written by Walt Jaschek, produced and directed by Paul Fey, garnered many ad industry awards, including the Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.” It stars voice talent Tom Poston and Harvey Atkin.
Click and enjoy!
It’s also a good copywriting example. Here’s the script.
“Missing Persons” :60 Radio Script by Walt Jaschek
SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up
TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?
COP: Missing Persons.
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: Your wife is missing?
GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.
COP: When did you last see her, sir?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Four o’clock?
GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.
COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?
GOOFY GUY: The bedroom.
COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?
GOOFY GUY: No.
COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”
GOOFY GUY: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?
STERN COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Goofy guys puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The goofy guy closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]
GOOFY GUY: Hello?
COP: I’m here.
GOOFY GUY: She’s watching “Matlock!”
COP: I thought so.
GOOFY GUY: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.
COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.
GOOFY GUY: She really likes Andy Griffith!
COP: Of course she does.
GOOFY GUY: She was so busy watching “Matlock” that she forgot to tell me where she was!
COP: Tell her I understand.
GOOFY GUY: Okay.
SFX: The goofy guy puts down phone, walks down hallway again.
COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?
SFX: Goofy guy opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.
GOOFY GUY: Hey! My favorite episode!
ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!
Funny Radio Commercial for King World and “The People’s Court | Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer and Director: Paul Fey | Music by Mathews Griffith
The late Judge Wapner ruled on “The People’s Court.” This funny radio commercial for the King World syndicated TV show, produced by agency Paul & Walt Worldwide, honored the Judge’s commanding presence in the form of a mock, country-western-style “ballad.” It’s also a good copywriting example; here’s the script.
“The Ballad of Judge Wapner” Lyrics by Walt Jaschek
MUSIC: COWBOY BALLAD-STYLE, UNDER
COWBOY: He sits in judgment / He stands for the law / Kinda looks like a hero / And sounds like your Pa
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: He smiles and he laughs / His voice tinged with gravel / But the bad-guys just gasp / When he bangs his big gavel
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
COWBOY: Judge Wapner.
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: When neighbors brawl / When lovers refute / When suppliers and buyers and liars dispute / Wapner won’t let those lawbooks get dusty / Got a buddy named Doug / And a sidekick named Rusty
BACK-UP SINGERS: RUSTY!
COWBOY: With Wapner.
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS
COWBOY: Doesn’t do it from towers / Doesn’t do it from steeples / He does it in court / A court called “People’s”
BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!
COWBOY: “People’s Court.”
BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!
COWBOY: Call him “Your Honor.”
COWBOY: JUDGE WAPNER!
MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS, UNDER
ANNOUNCER: Judge Wapner RULES… on “The People’s Court.”
Here’s the version of the spot we did for men. We also did a version for women. Will find that and post soon!.
Guys! Have you ever wanted to star in your own beer commercial? Well, now you can, thanks to this Budweiser radio spot that will “cue” you to say *YOUR NAME* during a very romantic scenario. So open a couple of long-necks and enjoy your “date” with a woman who is, evidently, “both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model.” We think you’ll do very well in your first commercial! Let us know how it goes.
Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer/Director: Paul Fey | Agency: Paul & Walt Worldwide
Try not to laugh at this funny radio commercial, especially the final few seconds.
One of the first radio collaborations between Walt Jaschek and Paul Fey was this Clio-award-winning (“Best Use of Sound”) spot for George Schlatter’s Comedy Club, a King World TV series showcasing stand-up comics. When tasked with promoting the upcoming premiere, the duo had no access to clips. “Got no options, got no problems,” they said. No existing content freed them from using clips, and pushed their thinking. “What’s the real, human benefit of this kind of show?,” they asked, and came up with an answer: laughing out loud. The idea for “cataloging” types of laughter was born during a brainstorm on Walt’s front porch, but turning it into great audio fell to producer/director Paul, engineer Bill Schulenburg, and some very funny laughers from the L.A. talent pool. Tip: listen ’til the end.
This commercial is also a good copywriting example. Here’s the script by Walt Jaschek.
“Robert Goulet” | :60 Radio for the Simpsons.
ANNOUNCER: And now, mister Robert Goulet reads from “The Writings of Bart,” the collected, after-school blackboard writings of young Bart Simpson. Mister Goulet.
SFX: CLASSICAL MUSIC, UNDER
ROBERT GOULET: I will not trade pants with others.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not Xerox my butt.
A burp is not an answer.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not eat things for money. I will not bring sheep to
class. I will not instigate revolution. My name is not Doctor Death.
ANNOUNCER: To experience all of Bart’s after-school blackboard
writings, watch every classic episode of The Simpsons.
ROBERT GOULET: I will not call the principal, “Spud Head.”
Funny radio commercials? Are they still a thing? Yes, funny radio adverts are still a thing. We specialize in funny radio spots, and advertisers (and audiences) treasure them. They love to “laugh their ads off.” The samples below also serve as good copywriting examples.
Funny radio commercials provide an attention-getting break from the boring radio norm (radio today: zzzzzzzzzzz). Truly funny radio commercials also provide a memorable, positive, and thus loyalty-building listener experience.
So turn your volume up for these award-winning funny radio adverts, written or co-written by Walt Jaschek, and produced by Paul Fey, many from the heady days we were known as Paul & Walt Worldwide.
Need a new, laugh-your-ads-off campaign of funny radio commercials written and produced? Contact us for a free bid.
Funny Radio Commercial #1 (And Good Copywriting Example)
“Picard Auditions” / Funny radio commercial for “Star Trek: The Next Generation” / Writer: Walt Jaschek. Producer: Paul Fey
“Laugh Catalog” | Funny radio commercial for George Schlatter’s Comediy Club | Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | Clio winner, “Best Use of Sound”
Oh, creatives! Don’t fall on that sword over your favorite idea. Certainly don’t pull pistols! “How to Kill a Pitch” is a cautionary comedy video Walt Jaschek wrote on this subject, directed by Angie Lawling, shot by Chris Lawling, produced by Mercury Films. All in good fun: it’s movie blood. Client not loving your latest idea? There’s another one, you know. Come up with it and live, damn it!
Spoiler: look for a cameo by Walt himself in the final scene, amid the “agency in waiting.” Full credits on IMDB.
Bonus: For those who like to read this sort of thing, here’s…
“How to Kill a Pitch”: The Shooting Script by Walt Jaschek
Characters:
Jon / Creative Director – Agency Jeanette / Account Director – Agency Bernard / Chief Marketing Officer – Client Brooke / Marketing Manager – Client Ethan / Office Assistant – Client
Extras: The next agency in line to present / 3 people, non-speaking, cameo
BLACK SCREEN
Fade in title: How to Kill a Pitch
Fade up sound of a small group laughing. Title fades out and the laughter bridges across the CUT TO:
INT – CLIENT CONFERENCE ROOM
Jon and Jeanette are wrapping up a presentation to clients Bernard and Brooke. It’s obviously gone well. The laughter is dying down. Jon puts the last of a series of foam core boards face down on a stack.
JON: And with that final, funny scene, this spot serves as climax to a completely integrated, cross-platform marketing campaign that is “locked and loaded.” Let’s pull that trigger.
JEANETTE: And from a strategy perspective, it is right on strategy. Right. On.
BERNARD: Well, Jon, Jeanette: this is fantastic work. Wonderful. A home run. Hilarious, memorable, unforgettable, really. I was totally entertained every second.
Brooke is agreeing with her boss via a series of verbal cues: “Right, Uh-huh, it is, yes.” The agency people are beaming. Bernard, though, has one more card to play.
BERNARD: But…
Uh-oh. The agency people trade glances. It’s the “but.” The client’s demeanor changes to a concerned scowl.
BERNARD: I worry. Is it TOO entertaining? TOO engaging? If we go on the air with something this noticeable, this excellent, will the spot wear out faster? Will people get tired of it? Will we have set a standard of being “excellent” that we’ll have to meet each time?
He gives the word “excellent” air quotes, of course.
Jon and Marcy are completely drained by this exasperating reaction, which they’ve obviously heard before. It’s just too much.
JON (to Jeanette): Will you just kill me now?
JEANETTE: I’m sorry?
JON: Will you kill me? Right now? Here? On the spot.
Jeanette considers this with sobriety.
JEANETTE: Well, hmmm, yes. Yes, I will. But only if you kill me simultaneously.
JON: Simultaneously?
JEANETTE: Yes.
JON: That’s a deal.
JEANETTE: Let’s do it.
JON: I’m in.
Jon pulls a pistol from his sock. Jeanette pulls a pistol from a Coach handbag.
The clients seem to be bemused by this. But sure enough, the CD and AE point the guns at each other. Creative director counts down: “3… 2…. 1…. now.”
Reaction shot of the clients as the creative director and account executive shoot each other in the heads. BLAM! BLAM! The clients get a little splattered blood on them. We see the bodies of the CD and AE slump to the floor.
But the clients aren’t really disturbed. Brooke turns to Bernard with a studied earnestness.
BROOKE: I don’t think he knew how to answer your question.
Bernard nods. This is the right response from his subordinate. The onus is on the agency, which obviously flaked out.
KER-CHUNK! The client assistant, Ethan, opens the door to the conference room.
ETHAN THE ASSISTANT: Shall I send in the next agency?
Bernard and Brooke straighten, gather papers. Brooke smiles up at Ethan.
BERNARD: Certainly.
BROOKE: Yes, please do.
CUT TO: EXTERIOR HALLWAY
Ethan, holding the smile, turn and looks down the hallway.
REVERSE ANGLE – HALLWAY – ETHAN’S POINT OF VIEW
A group of anxious, smiling people from the next agency, all holding their presentation materials, looking to Ethan for the “come hither” signal.
REVERSE ANGLE – Back to Ethan
With a small hand gesture, he beckons the next agency to advance.
CUT TO BLACK
CREDITS SEQUENCE
Quick single-screen credit cuts and scroll over a lively, jaunty “Ragtime” tune.
“See?,” the music seems to say. “It was all in good fun.”
Walt Jaschek looks back on his story in What The–? #5, Marvel’s self-parody comic, originally published in 1989. Walt recalls:
“Just as my freelance writing business was heating up, my friend and superstar comic artist invited me to do a short piece in Marvel’s humor anthology” His idea was teaming up characters who really didn’t belong together. I called it ‘Ill-Conceived Character Couplings.’ As I look back now, I see it was really a bunch of inside jokes for those reading comic at the time. But it was such a privilege to work with Jim and get that first check from Marvel. Even now I think back and say, ‘Did that really happen?’ In other words: ‘What The–?'”
Here is the Hilary Barta’s cover to the issue, followed by the story itself. Credits below.
“Ill-Conceived Character Couplings: Team-Ups That Just Wouldn’t Work” Comic for Marvel’s parody anthology What The–?! The Marvel Mag of Mirth and Mayhem (Issue #5, 1989.) Script: Walt Jaschek. Plot and Pencils: Jim Lee. Inks: Al Milgrom. Letters: Jim Parker. Cover: Hilary Barta.
