Dr. Albert Einstein has a new theory. He’s just not sure how to “market” it. In fact, he’s “pulling his hair” over it. And if this genius can’t figure it out, who can? The good doctor is pointed to CreativeWorks, a “one-stop shop for all his marketing materials.” It’s all in good fun in this dialogue-driven radio spot, written and produced by Walt Jaschek for client CreativeWorks of St. Louis, and recorded at World Wide Wadio in Hollywood. The script is below.
SCRIPT “Marketing Genius” 60-second radio commercial for CreativeWorks
SOUND FX: LABORATORY SOUNDS, UNDER
HOST: Welcome back to “Creative Thinkers.” Today we’re talking with Dr. Albert Einstein.
EINSTEIN (in German accent): Hello there.
HOST: Hey, Doc, how are you?
EINSTEIN: Oh, fine, fine. (Makes a deliberate joke) At least… relatively.
HOST: You’re a genius.
HOST: Hair’s kind of wild, though.
EINSTEIN: Yeah, I’ve been pulling it.
HOST: Pulling it?
EINSTEIN: See, I’ve developed a brand-new theory…
EINSTEIN: Und I’ve been putting together a big marketing push for it. But I can’t find one place to handle all my creative materials.
HOST: Have you considered CreativeWorks?
HOST: CreativeWorks is the one-stop expert at creating complete advertising and marketing solutions.
EINSTEIN: Even for a genius?
HOST: Especially for a genius.
EINSTEIN: I’m there!
HOST: Good! By the way, Doc, what is your brand new theory?
EINSTEIN: Well, get this. As it turns out, “e” only equals “mc squared” some of the time.
(Beat as they take this news in)
EINSTEIN: Crazy, huh?
HOST: That’ll have an impact.
EINSTEIN: No kidding.
ANNOUNCER: CreativeWorks. Bright ideas…
SOUND FX: LIGHT BULB CHAIN PULLED, HARP GLISTEN, UNDER
Funny dialogue and theatre of the mind are at play in this radio spot for Miami’s NewsCenter 7 and their fraud-exposing team of reporters known as the Wastebusters. In it, a Miami businessman – Mr. Rippemoff – is not happy to hear from his assistant Dorothy that the Wastebusters are in his outer office. This is the kind of spot you don’t hear much anymore: a well acted and produced scene that’s more akin to what one of associates calls “adver-tainment.” It also helps to have clients who want it and appreciate it! (Bless ’em!) Turn up your speakers for…
:60 RADIO SCRIPT “MISTER RIPPEMOFF” For: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters Writer: Walt Jaschek Producer: Paul Fey
SOUND FX: OFFICE INTERCOM BUZZES
DOROTHY THE ASSISTANT (voice over intercom): Mister Rippemoff?
MR. RIPPEMOFF: Yes, Dorothy?
DOROTHY: A reporter and crew from NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters is here to see you, sir.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: NewsCenter 7?
DOROTHY: Wastebusters. They expose mind-boggling wastes of taxpayers money right here in the Miami Valley.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: What do they want with me?
DOROTHY: They said you sold the government a ballpoint pen, sir.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: So?
DOROTHY: For a thousand dollars.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: Well, it came with refills.
DOROTHY: And a jar of paperclips for two thousand dollars.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: They were multi-colored paperclips.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: Red ones, blue ones…
DOROTHY: What should I tell the Wastebusters, sir?
MR. RIPPEMOFF: Do they have lights and cameras?
DOROTHY: And the ballpoint pen, sir.
MR. RIPPEMOFF: Tell them I went out my window, down my fire escape, then booked down the street, screaming like a madman.
DOROTHY: I don’t think they’ll believe that sir.
SOUND FX: FOOTSTEPS AND WINDOW OPENING
DOROTHY: Mister Rippemoff?
MR. RIPPEMOFF: (SCREAMING)
ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters expose government waste right here in the Miami Valley. And see the Wastebusters in action.
SOUND FX: OUTSIDE TRAFFIC
MR. RIPPEMOFF: (STILL SCREAMING)
DOROTHY (yelling): You can’t escape them, sir! They’re the Wastebusters!
MR. RIPPEMOFF (running away): I know!
ANNOUNCER: NewsCenter 7 Wastebusters. Weeknights at 6. Coverage you can count on.
“Star Trek: Picard” starring Patrick Stewart premieres Thursday, Jan. 23 on the CBS All Access streaming service. You can try it for free and gets tons of Trek, old and new.
We’ve created a lot of Picard-loving content over the years, mostly for the beloved syndicated run of “Star Trek: the Next Generation.” As we eagerly await this new show, let’s look back on a couple of Paul & Walt radio spots that put Picard on a pedestal.
“Auditions” | Funny radio commercial featuring Patrick Stewart’s “try-out” for the show
“I’m Shaving My Head” | Funny radio spot featuring Picard fans emulating their hero
Hope you’ve enjoyed these audio flashbacks to an earlier era of Picard, and join us in counting down to the new show. Here’s the trailer.
Today on Walt Now: a true story of some late-night Amazon shopping that might have involved a glass of wine or two. Walt Jaschek unboxes a package that arrived unexpectedly – and shows us what was inside.
The stories, also archived here, were a creative stretch for me. Yeah, I’ve written content articles in the past – who can forget my piece on the magic powers of ginseng? But I’m known mostly for funny commercials, the scripts for which can be created on the back of a bar napkin. And often are.
These feature stories are work, dammit, and make me appreciate more the people who craft them all the time.
I’ve made a few unauthorized notes about my recent experiences trying to be competent in this unfamiliar form. If you’re a writer heading into these waters, you might find a tip-bit. (That’s a tidbit that’s also a tip.)
1. Know what to leave out.
Michelangelo is often credited with saying, in response to questions about his sculpting process, “You take a piece of marble and chip away everything that doesn’t look like David.” Oh. Okay. Got it. Well, that’s the article, folks! Thanks for reading.
But seriously, to help know what to leave out:
2. Become one with your transcripts.
“Transcripts” are in the news lately. They’re a thing, all right. The pubs for which I write are quick to provide transcribed text of recorded interviews. One such document recently came back at 16 single-spaced pages of 10-point type: about 12,000 words. The final story was to be 600 words, and of those, just half quotes. This means whittling the text down to 5% of itself. It’s like turning 50 Shades of Grey into one-half shade of grey. But:
3. Hang in there.
Some quotes shine on first scan. Just as often, something at the top of page 3 will connect with something at the bottom of page 15. So you have to decipher every word, no matter how inaccurately transcribed. (“Did he say ‘non-profit or ‘for profit?’ It says here, ‘Jimmy Buffet.’”) It’s a slog, but it’s necessary, so you’ll like it, saying, “Thank you, master, may I have another?”
4. Compress “The Origin Story.”
It’s human nature: everybody wants to tell their launch journey, i.e. “How We Got Here Through the Years.” But it’s good to cut these stories down to a critical mass, and certainly don’t lead with them. Though readers might like a little backstory, they really wanna know, “What’s in it for me now?” It’s like asking a friend if Macy’s still sells carpets, and the person answers by explaining in great detail how it used to be called Famous-Barr.
5. Learn to interrupt.
Seriously. Recently I was the off-camera interviewer in a big video shoot. Seldom have I had conversations with subjects as multiple cameras recorded and onlookers… looked on. In this case, I tossed the subject an opening softball. The person’s breathless answer lasted, according to a producer who timed it, almost 20 minutes. In a post-production meeting, I said, “I need to learn to interrupt.” My collaborators laughed, but it’s true: I need to learn to interrupt.
6. Have a back-up audio source.
Wonky but important tech tip: when you don’t have A/V support, you are your own production company. So have at least two devices on which to record. Before my most recent interview, I scored the Olympus VN-541PC Digital Voice Recorder. (Recommended.) Glad I did, because, as usual, the Voice Memos app on iPhone stopped recording mid-interview due to incoming calls. You’d think I’d go to Settings and fix this. Not sure I know how. Hence: two sources. Heck, make it three.
7. Check your politics at the door.
Hard but necessary, not just for interviews, but any kind of business interaction, as I’m sure all can relate. (How any person who works in a real office handles this these days is beyond me.) I bite my tongue continually, because I know no minds will be changed, or even budged, in casual conversation. But it creeps in. When a subject for a story missed his interview appointment, his assistant scrambled to contact him. “Not an emergency,” I said. “It’s not like this’ll be in tomorrow’s New York Times.”
“Good,” the assistant said with a wry smile. “Because then we couldn’t talk to you.”
It was a joke. I think. I smiled back. But I also think, “You want exposure for your endeavor, but wouldn’t talk to the freakin’ New York Times?“
We live in amazing times.
8. Choose your assignments wisely.
Easier said than done: you gotta make a living. For decades, in gratitude for opportunities, I clung to the axiom, “There are no boring subjects, only boring writers.” I’ve reconsidered. There are boring subjects. For example: I recently scrolled past a post linking to a published article, and for a half-second, thought, “I’d never read that.” Then I realized I wrote it.
I vow to be more careful, and to admit to editors, “I’m not right for this topic; it holds no interest for me.” I think they would appreciate that. Editors can’t read minds. They want a good fit. It’s another way you can:
9. Love your editors.
Bless them for their behind-the-scenes, often uncredited prep and leadership. I obey direction and appreciate sharp edits; the stories are always better for it. (This article could have used one!) But I also believe you should:
10. Love your readers.
So much of what I’m trying to do is simply keeping eyes moving down the page. Sometimes in my work I’m accused of being “funny” or “jokey” (or – ugh – “cute”,) but honest to God, I’m just trying to be interesting. That’s it. Interesting is the bar, and it will continue to be my mantra plodding forward. And in that regard:
If I got your eyes down this far down the page, I’m grateful.